Firsts

Today is my sister's birthday. The first time without Leo. She didn't celebrate her birthday, but of course I went to see her. She was very emotional, and so was I. Because Leo had his birthday only a few weeks later, they mostly celebrated the two birthdays together on Leo's in October. Last year Joke celebrated her own birthday. The last with Leo, as if it had to be that way. He was surrounded by friends and family, although we didn't know it was the last time...

This week my old "auntie" Rie died suddenly in her home; she was almost 81. She wasn't really an aunt, but the mother of my brother's childhood friend and their family became friends with mine. Through the years she was always there; sometimes every week, sometimes a few times a year. Modern, spontaneous, optimistic, loving... She was a wonderful woman and will be missed dearly by many. Today I got the announcement in the post. On top was a rainbow and the translations of the first lines of "Look for me in rainbows" by Vicky Brown, which was one of the songs on my mother's cremation. Again, tears...

Next Wednesday I'll have my birthday. It will be an ambivalent day. I will have a party, but it will also be exactly a year ago that Leo so unexpectedly died. I can't help but thinking about it. I know he would want me to celebrate my birthday as always. I'll try, but this first time it won't be completely 'as always' and in a way it will never be. I think about him every day and miss him, but certain days are significant whether we like it or not. Nevertheless, life goes on and so must we... I know I won't keep it dry next week though.

These 'firsts' are difficult. It will get 'easier', the raw pain and grief will soften. I know. Still, I hate these 'firsts'!