It hurts...

I am listening to the songs that were played on mum's cremation. Am I torturing myself? No... I felt tears behind my eyes, but they wouldn't come. Now they are pouring and I'm crying a river...
These are the songs:

• Tears in heaven by Eric Clapton - text here
• Look for me in rainbows by Vicky Brown - text here
• Into the west by Annie Lennox - from LOTR, listen to it here (read the text)

In the church a woman mum admired sang "Ave Maria" (Gounod version) and "Panis Angelicus". A choir version of "Ave Verum" was played on CD. I also selected a few songs that mum wanted; some were also sung at dad's mess.

I also found the text I spoke in the cremation ceremony. It is directly addressed to mum. I spoke to her and didn't see all the people; it was just between mum and I. People told me it moved them to tears. Joke also made a speech. Gerard didn't, it's not his thing. He designed a beautiful thanks-card we sent people afterwards.

Mum's apartment is as good as empty. In "The Pagan Book of Living and Dying" by Starhawk I found two prayers, one for things I'm keeping and one for things that are going away. I used them (in Dutch and in my own words) when I was alone in her flat this week. I'll share them with you:

Beloved mother,
I take this in memory of you.
May something of your spirit remain
so that as I touch this (book, dress, vase)
we will touch across the veil.

Beloved mother,
this was yours once.
Now you have no more need of it.
Withdraw your energy, your spirit, your desire.
I ask your blessing on the one who receives this.

I can certainly recommend the book. I had it already; there are great things in it. It is very interesting stuff in general and very helpful when someone is crossing over.