Who do you love?

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Kickin'It Old Skool, Day 15
"We'd love to see your loved ones! Your cats, your kids, your loves, your sisters, your brothers, your friends, your visitors, your elders, your neighbours, your besties. Who do you love?"

~*~*~*~

First and foremost I ask you to click on this picture to open a new window with a post I made yesterday to celebrate the love of my life, my husband Ron. Cliche as it may be, it's the truth!

Although they are no longer with us in this world, I will always love my mum and dad. Dad died in 1996 and mum in 2006, but I still miss them every day... Here they are opening christmas-presents at our home somewhere in the 90's:

I love my sister Joke. She is 10 years older, but at our current ages of 45 and 55 that's no issue anymore. We've had our ups and downs like all sisters have, but we both know we can unconditionally count on each other whenever needed. Her husband Leo came into my life when I was 8. I love him too, but sadly we lost him on my birthday in 2009. Here are Joke and I in Disneyland Paris in 2010:

And of course our pets belong here too. Although I won't share pics of all that went before, they all are still in my heart too. I'll see them at the rainbow bridge... Here are the beloved ones that share our home today:

Foofur, Welsh Corgi / Jack Russell, 14

Arwen, Bernese Mountain Dog, 4

Freyja, silver/white Balinese, 7

Bastet, tortoise European Shorthair, 7

Maia, white/grey European Shorthair, 6

~*~

10 Things About Me

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Kickin'It Old Skool, Day 5
Today's idea is a classic, simple as that: "Tell Us 10 Things About You". Sounds easy peasy, but is it? What to tell? Try not to state the obvious, or perhaps I should exactly do that. 10 things, pfew... Let me think...

~*~*~*~

If you don't know me yet, I'll share 10 things you should at least know about me...

If you do know me, can you predict which things I'm going to share in this list? Stop reading, make a list and tell me afterwards how many you had correct. :)

1. I'm married to the love of my life, Ron. Next Saturday is our 18th wedding anniversary, but we are together for more than 25 years. We met at a local marching band: he was on drums, I was a majorette/twirler. And the rest as they say is history... and present, and future! :)
2. I'm pagan, more precisely I call myself an eclectic heathen witch. Interested why or what that means to me? Read more here and of course you'll find lots of pagan stuff on this blog.
3. I'm a Robbie Williams fan ever since he left Take That back in the day. I have all his albums, dvd's and more. I've been to several concerts. This year I went to his Take The Crown Tour and just yesterday I scored tickets for his Swings Both Ways Tour next year. Woohoo! :) Read my posts about him here.
4. I love reading, I love books. I have a lot of books; you can see a small portion (appr. 1200 of them...) in my LibraryThing. I breathe books, like the smell, sound, feel, etc. of real books. My all time favourite book is The Lord Of The Rings, but there's so much more...
5. I'm a Trekkie! Love, love, love Star Trek. I like The Original Series and love the rest. I have all seasons of The Next Generation, Voyager and Deep Space Nine and all movies on dvd. I would love to have Enterprise too. Years ago I've been on television talking about Star Trek. That same day I've met Patrick Stewart, my favourite actor (not only as Capt. Picard).
6. I'm very fond of (all!) animals. I'm a cat-lover and a dog-lover. Some say you can't be both, but I am. We share our home with 3 cats (Freyja, Bastet & Maia - goddess names) and two dogs (Foofur, a crossbreed Welsh Corgi / Jack Russell, and Arwen, a Bernese Mountaindog). Read and see more of them here on my blog.
7. In the past I have been struggling with eating disorders and depression. For some years now I use my experience to help others. I tell my story, educate and give information to different groups of people: teenagers, students, fellow-sufferers, nurses, etc. I coach social workers and medical professionals in how to be of real help to a patient on the way to recovery by showing them a different point of view. 
8. I'm a computer-addict. :) Internet, social media, downloading, digital photography and lots, lots more. I like to learn and try out new things. It's my window to the world.
9. I love all seasons, but especially winter. Snow, ice, cold sunny weather... I've written about that yesterday, so I'll leave it at that here.
10. I like to make herbal home remedies. I'm a reiki master. I make my own candles. Ron and I brew mead. I collect Dutch stamps. I miss my mum and dad. I'm a hobby-genealogist. There's always more to know... And yes, I know this is cheating. ;-))

Welcome to my world

Sometimes you hear a song and suddenly you are back in time. While doing all kinds of things on the computer I had my mediaplayer set on random when I heard Jim Reeves singing "Welcome to my world".
Within seconds I was sitting in my childhood living room, talking and making cryptograms with my dad. He was a big fan of Jim Reeves and he transferred it to me. Just like he did with the Rat Pack, although dad liked Sinatra best and I was more fond of Dean Martin. He liked more modern music too though. He watched "Toppop" and "Countdown" (Dutch shows, comparable with Top of the Pops) with me. We commented the songs together, but didn't always agree. :-)
I know I've inherited a lot from my dad, like the music preferences, love for puzzling esp. cryptograms, being good with figures & numbers and more virtues & vices. We had a great bond and I still miss him so much. If only I could talk with him again, hug him and tell him how much I love him. I guess he knows, I know he knows.
I have a 16CD box of Jim Reeves in my files. I just want to listen and reminisce for a while longer...

Welcome to my world
Won't you come on in
Miracles I guess
Still happen now and then
Step into my heart
Leave your cares behind
Welcome to my world
Built with you in mind

Knock and the door will open
Seek and you will find
Ask and you'll be given
The key to this world of mine
I'll be waiting here
With my arms unfurled
Waiting just for you
Welcome to my world

Waiting just for you
Welcome to my world

Busy, busy weekend

Friday evening I did a Ritual Apart Together with the Ara Lowlands group, all at our own homes. We met in our astral temple. I had been very busy, so my preparation was not that extensive... In the beginning I couldn't concentrate fully, so I did an extra relaxation exercise. That worked, but I had to hurry to catch up with the others. There was a beautiful full moon above the temple (as it was in real life outside). I evoked the Moon Goddess. We charged ourself with the energy of the full moon and directed the rest into a bowl with water.
We made a journey with the purpose to ask the Moon Goddess what we need in the near future. To me it was as if she talked to me from the moon down. I was restless and she calmed me down with her voice. She smiled and suddenly I saw my mum and dad approaching. We hugged and cried from happiness to see each other. It felt so good to be with them, really feel them. We walked along the beach together and then to my meditation spot. Mum and dad sat down and I curled up in front of them in fetus position. Dad sat by my head and mum by my legs. I felt their love and warmth surround me. It was like they were all around me, forming a cocoon of loving energy around me. I felt so good, safe and secure. They whispered to me: stop pushing yourself, take rest when you need it, listen to your body, take care of yourself, we are proud of you, we are always with you. I just relaxed and enjoyed being there. Together we walked back. I didn't want to say goodbye, but I had to. They said it wasn't a farewell, because I can always come back to them whenever I need it.
After a while I returned in the temple, where I just sat and reflected on that wonderful journey. For the cake & wine we used the charged water and mooncookies. We thanked the elements, I thanked the Moon Goddess, we opened the circle from hand to hand deosil, clockwise (normally we do it widdershins, anti-clockwise). We walked down the hill and returned to our own homes.

Saturday Ron and I went to the Elf Fantasy Fair on the grounds of Castle De Haar in Haarzuilens. Every year in April since 2001, around 25,000 people from all over Europe come to this fantasy event which includes fantasy, medieval and witchcraft. Two-third of the visitors transform themselves into orcs, magicians, witches, dragons, knights, vampires, elves, unicorns or a combination of these. There was a lot to see, to do and to buy! We had a great day.
I bought a book featuring the art of Peter Pracownik, who has a remarkable knowledge of myths and legends, especially when it concerns Celts, Saxons and King Arthur. This knowledge has been a huge influence on his art work. It has an aura of magic, enigma and mystery; full of legend and lore. Peter’s work is used for cards, posters, cd covers (Blackmore’s Night), band t-shirts (Grateful Dead), Tarot decks and more. I have his LOTR Tarot. I have always loved a certain pentagram art image, but I didn't know Peter made it! I bought a card and a little tile of it. Peter signed my book.

Sunday we were up early to go to Wonder in Rijen, where we would have a meeting with the team organising the Beltane 2008 celebration. It was a good meeting and we dotted the i's and crossed the t's. We are really looking forward to the gathering!
In the afternoon Ron and I drove with Wonder to Leiden. We were invited to a book presentation of "Het Heksenhuis" by Jacqueline Zirkzee, a historic novel about witches and witches persecution in the 17th century. I have invited her to our Beltane meeting and she gladly accepted to present her book there once again. This was the official presentation of the first book though, with a talk by the publisher and a special dance by 4 dancers. Afterwards we bought the book and let it get signed by Jacqueline.
We drove Wonder back to Rijen. His mother was out for the night, but had prepared dinner for us nevertheless. Yummy!

All in all a pretty busy weekend! A bit too much for me, I'll need some time to recover. I was worth it though!!

Best dad in the world

Today would have been my father's 73rd birthday. The last one we celebrated was his 61st though... The 4th day of the 4th month; he always picked 4 as his lucky number!
I still think of him every day, still miss him. I know he's with me in spirit, but I'd love to talk to him and give him a hug for real just once... To me he'll always be the best dad in the world. O sure, you could probably argue that he wasn't and why, but that doesn't matter. He wasn't a saint and I don't idealize him. He had his virtues and vices, so do I (some the same!). He was who he was and to me that is the best dad in the world. I'm so glad Ron has known him very good too, so we could reminisce together today.
♥ I love you, dad! ♥

Another dream about mum

Tonight I had another dream about my mum. I was walking in the Hema (a Dutch department store mum and I often visited) with Ron, when someone came in with... my mother. I fainted at the spot.
The next moment Ron was explaining to me that he had talked to the woman and that she wasn't my mother. I looked at her and couldn't believe him; she was her spitting image! I knew Ron would never lie to me about something like this though. A feeling of pain and grief came over me and then I woke up.
I know I'm still coping with mum's death, coming to terms with it at daytime and most certainly in my dreams...

Dreams

Last night I had a few interesting dreams.

I've often dreamed about highschool (VWO, 6 years). I've had a wonderful time at school, except for the last year. My fear of failure got worse with all the exams and my black-outs started after a concussion I got in the swimming pool. The dreams are always about this last year: I have an exam and don't remember anything about the subject; it is the first day of that last year and I don't have books or I am too late, etc. You get the picture. Tonight I dreamed I was late for the first day again. I didn't have books, couldn't find my school supplies, didn't know my schedule, etc. I felt very anxious to put it mildly. Suddenly I calmed down and started thinking: 'what is this? why am I doing this? feeling this? I already have my VWO diploma! I've had this before and it is nonsens. Stop it!' And then my dream ended...
I hope this is my last dream about this subject. If it isn't, I hope I can redo what I did in the dream last night!

I often dream about my parents: sometimes in the present with a message, sometimes about the present and they are still alive, but mostly about times when they were still alive. Last night I dreamed I was in my parental home, the one where I've lived for years. I was downstairs, not sure what I was doing, I was the age I am now. I was waiting for mum and dad to come down or come home, something like that. Suddenly I got thinking: 'is this real? it feels strange!' and then I realized: 'they won't show up! is mum dead? or dad? or... both? oh no, they are both dead!' The world around me faded away and I felt sooo sad... Then I woke up crying.
I love dreams about my parents, but not this one! I don't know what to think of it.

What if...

I got out of bed this morning with a sore back. I couldn't move without pain. Ron had to go to work so I struggled through the first hours. Then Wonder came (that was already planned) and he massaged my back. It hurt a lot, but afterwards it felt much better. It still hurts though; I hope the pain will be gone tomorrow!

Today a year ago was the day of my mother's surgery. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I talked to her very early in the morning, then the waiting, the surgeon's phonecall, the dismay I felt... well, everything.
The "what if..."-question started bugging me again. What if they hadn't done that surgery, would she still be alive today? Her condition was severe. The valve had to be replaced and they had to do it a.s.a.p. because otherwise her lungs wouldn't be able to withstand surgery. We were told there was no immediate danger of life though... What if... *sigh* Nobody knows the answer or will ever know it... And when the answer would be yes, how would her quality of life be..? I've really got to stop making myself crazy with those questions.
Miss you mum..!

Daddy

Years have passed by
but it's still so hard
I can't give you a hug
or even a birthday card
I cherish all the years we've had
but I still miss you like crazy, dad!


In loving memory of my dad...
Today would have been his 72nd birthday...
Alas, he died aged 61...

TT #2: Men

Thirteen men in my life My dad – As a child I was mostly drawn to my father. He always had an answer to my countless questions, encouraged me in many ways, knew when to talk and when to listen, and so on and on and on… Ron – The love and light of my life, my soulmate, stands by me and supports me always, husband, best friend, lover and sooo much more: my everything! Gerard, my brother – Living with our parents we were like cat and dog, often at each other’s throat but still he always was and is my big brother. There was a period I hated him, but I never stopped loving him too. Albert – I met him at the drum band where I was a majorette; my first boyfriend, my first real kiss. Arie – The dancing partner that became my first long serious relationship. He helped me through the difficult last year at high school. He bought a house for us and we got engaged, but then he cheated on me with (what I thought was) a friend. Leo, my brother-in-law - He got involved with Joke when I was little, so for me it seems like he has always been there. The first one with a car in our family, wow! Together with Joke he has always been there for me and still is, in many ways. Leo, DJ in “De Bunker” – The cold facts sound deceiving (e.g. he was engaged), but he was very special in that period of my life. We talked about all kinds of things, from fun to very serious. He helped me regain my trust in men after I was raped. He gave me a wonderful “first time” and much more. Rob – I knew Rob, Ron knew Rob, but we didn’t know each other. Now Rob is a friend of both of us! Evert (Wonder) – the ‘newest’ man on this list. I got to know him about 5 (?) years ago online through the WhiteshadoW witches forum. We were both exploring the path in an early stadium. When we met in real life on a WhiteshadoW meeting we instantly liked each other, but it wasn’t until last year that we really made a connection. That has developed into a very deep and close friendship. Mr. Vlasman, my mentor and teacher Dutch in high school – He nourished and encouraged my love for writing, reading and the Dutch language. I’m still thankful for that. Robbie Williams – Yes, yes… I hear you sigh! But really, even though I don’t know him in person he definitely has an influence on my life. His music means a lot to me, I like the things he stands for and I admire him for what he has achieved. Ron’s dad – Although we didn’t always see eye-to-eye I respect him. He is important to me because he is very important to Ron. I love the stories Ron tells about the times that he joined his father on his truck and travelled with him through Europe. The last time I spoke with him (before he died in surgery) he asked me to take care of his son. I hope he thinks I do. I could make this list a lot longer, but it’s Thursday Thirteen… So I’ll save this spot for all the other men who influenced my life and/or are important to me now. I won’t name them all; I wouldn’t want to forget any single one of them. You know who you are, don’t you..? ~*~*~*~ Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. ~ Stacy ~ 2. My Two Cents 3. Laura 4. The Merry Rose 5. Raggedy 6. Nathalie 7. Something's Missing 8. Cheeky 9. Carmen 10. LadyBug Crossing 11. Friday's Child 12. mar 13. Pass The Torch 14. Momma Piñata 15. Shannon 16. Christina 17. Lindsey 18. Ash 19. Dane Bramage 20. Mysterious Lady 21. Dawn 22. Barbara 23. Minerva Jane 24. Jenny Ryan 25. Lilize 26. Kailani 27. Shaylondon 28. Leanne 29. charmed1 30. Irish Church Lady 31. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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It hurts...

I am listening to the songs that were played on mum's cremation. Am I torturing myself? No... I felt tears behind my eyes, but they wouldn't come. Now they are pouring and I'm crying a river...
These are the songs:

• Tears in heaven by Eric Clapton - text here
• Look for me in rainbows by Vicky Brown - text here
• Into the west by Annie Lennox - from LOTR, listen to it here (read the text)

In the church a woman mum admired sang "Ave Maria" (Gounod version) and "Panis Angelicus". A choir version of "Ave Verum" was played on CD. I also selected a few songs that mum wanted; some were also sung at dad's mess.

I also found the text I spoke in the cremation ceremony. It is directly addressed to mum. I spoke to her and didn't see all the people; it was just between mum and I. People told me it moved them to tears. Joke also made a speech. Gerard didn't, it's not his thing. He designed a beautiful thanks-card we sent people afterwards.

Mum's apartment is as good as empty. In "The Pagan Book of Living and Dying" by Starhawk I found two prayers, one for things I'm keeping and one for things that are going away. I used them (in Dutch and in my own words) when I was alone in her flat this week. I'll share them with you:

Beloved mother,
I take this in memory of you.
May something of your spirit remain
so that as I touch this (book, dress, vase)
we will touch across the veil.

Beloved mother,
this was yours once.
Now you have no more need of it.
Withdraw your energy, your spirit, your desire.
I ask your blessing on the one who receives this.

I can certainly recommend the book. I had it already; there are great things in it. It is very interesting stuff in general and very helpful when someone is crossing over.

Mum – what happened

On Monday of last week mum called me after visiting hours. She sounded positive. There had been 6 visitors (4 planned, 2 unannounced) but she felt okay. Just a bit tired so she wanted to go to sleep early. The next day when she woke up she didn’t feel good: she was short of breath. By the time I arrived in Haarlem it had only gotten worse. The doctor decided to make an X-ray and ultra-sound scan. Fortunately that could be done in her room. We “hoped” there would be fluid behind her lungs or around her heart, because that was treatable. It wasn’t… The doctor was very honest: this was the aorta valve playing up. The only thing left was giving morphine against the pain and shortness of breath. Mum said it before he did: this is the beginning of the end. He confirmed that.

She was moved to a private room on another ward. I called Ron and asked him to call Joke and Gerard. If they wanted to speak to her while she was still conscious, they had to come now. Within a short period of time everyone arrived, including the sons of Gerard. Ron called mum’s sister. She was too far away to come in time, but she talked to mum on the phone.
During all this mum was cheerful, even made jokes. She was well aware of what was happening, but she was okay with it. She has always been terrified for dying, but she wasn’t anymore. She told me she would have loved to live longer, but now that this wasn’t possible she accepted it fully. She talked about the people she would meet again on the other side: dad, her brothers and sisters, nephew, friends. In spite of the situation I was glad she could see it like that. It made it a bit less hard to let her go.

I stayed the night with her; the nurses had placed an extra bed in her room for me. I didn’t sleep much, always had an eye on her. When mum had gotten a double dose of morphine I fell asleep. I dreamed of dad and asked him to take care of mum. He assured me he would and said: “half past 4”. I didn’t understand, but the dream was very comforting.

Mum was glad I was with her. In between the morphine injections she was awake and conscious. She put her arm around me and thanked me for all that I’ve done for her. She asked me to forgive her for not wanting me when she was pregnant. Of course I did, I know how much she loves and appreciates me. She reminded me of little things to do after her death, but I reassured her everything would be settled in the best way possible. One time she woke up and waved at me. She asked me: “Why do I wake up again? I don’t want to anymore. I want to go, is that okay?” I told her it was fine. The last time she woke up I asked her if she was short of breath. She nodded no. I walked to her and asked if she was comfortable. She wanted to sit up a bit more straight. I put my arms around her to help her. Then suddenly she stiffened. I called the nurse. He went to get Joke (who also was in the hospital) and the doctor. Joke was just in time. When the doctor came, she confirmed mum had gone. It was half past 4…

...

My mother passed away this morning...
I don't know what else to write. I feel so empty...

Update June 16:
Thank you for all the support and sympathy we are receiving:
e-mails, phonecalls, SMS, (e-)cards, etc. Very much appreciated!
I have also made an online condolence register.

Other stuff

The last weeks life was so hectic I only updated my blog about my mum. Thanks again for your interest and support! I'll still be posting about mum of course, but right now I want to share something else.

We are finally settling in living downstairs. In the beginning it felt like we were in a holiday home or something, I can't explain. There are still things that have to be done, but that's okay. Here are pictures to get an impression:

• living room 1 - sitting area with video/audio corner
• living room 2 - sitting area with cabinet
• living room 3 - mantelpiece with old cast iron stove
• living room 4 - dining table & chairs and bookcase
• Ron's bar - still to be decorated more (bit blurry)
• kitchen 1 - Ron preparing dinner, first time in new kitchen
• kitchen 2 - other side of the cooking area

The dogs are already used to the new situation. Boris also stays downstairs at night and he's fine with that. Foofur still comes with us. When the garage door is open, Sidney (the daughter of our neighbours across the street) comes to play or just be with the dogs. Boris and Foofur obviously like her!
Poemel didn't feel at home at all downstairs. She refused to come down and kept escaping upstairs. In the end we decided to let her live there and now she's happy again. I'm with her often, because my computer is still there. I make time to be with her and give some tlc. It's okay.

The Fifa Football World Cup 2006 in Germany kicked off last Friday. I'm not the biggest football fan, but I like to see the matches of the Dutch national team. The Netherlands fall under a spell and turn orange (our national colour). Saturday Ron and another neighbour from across the street "pimped" his white Fiat Panda (almost ready for the scrapyard) into a Dutch WC-car with BMW-emblems. They attracted a great deal of attention and had lots of fun. The result looks magnificent!
The Netherlands won their first groupmatch against Serbia and Montenegro with 1-0. This friday they'll play against Côte d'Ivoire and on June 21st they meet Argentina.

Closer to home

Friday morning the nurse called me to ask if I wanted to come and see my mum. She was very emotional and sad. Also an assistent-doctor had said some things in a very unpleasant way. Perhaps it was his Amsterdam kind of humour, but I wasn't at all humoured when I heard it. The surgeon had calmed my mum down and given the assistent a piece of his mind. It took some time to come to Amsterdam, but mum was glad to see me. The nurse told us, that the doctor had made arrangements to move her to another hospital (in Haarlem, closer to home) . He knew that would make her happy. I could ride along with the ambulance. She is in a 4-person room, but the rooms are much bigger and more pleasant. I helped her to settle down. All in all it had been a very busy and tiring day, so I went home and mum could take a nap.

Yesterday Ron and I visited her in the afternoon. She was a bit gloomy, but I think we talked her out of it. Ron explained again, what the surgeon had said. The situation isn't hopeless. I understand her feelings, but I refuse to give up or let her do that. At the end she felt a bit better. I went downstairs to get us an ice cream. I have given mum my spare mobile phone, so she can call whenever she wants. I have given the number to my sister and brother and my aunt (her sister). In Amsterdam mobile phones weren't allowed but in Haarlem they are.

Today I went to the evening visiting hour. During the day it was very very hot and I can't stand it. This afternoon I had a terrible headache and felt sick. I decided to lie down under the ceiling fan for a while. After a few hours I felt a lot better, so after dinner I drove to Haarlem.
When I arrived the priest from mum's church was there. I had tried to reach him several times and left messages, but hadn't heard anything. It turned out he had a new mobile number, because he is moving to Belgium. He apologized, but I was just glad he showed up. I know mum wanted to see him before he left for his new post. He promised to stay in touch.
Mum told me she had had 2 bleedings today at the end of her chest wound. There was an extravasation that sent off blood to the outside instead of inside. Nothing too serious, it was solved. It showed her why she can't go home yet though. She wants to, but understands she has to recover some more.

Hospital day

Yesterday morning I left for Amsterdam again. When I arrived my mother was on the Special Care Unit. She told me her personal nurse there reminded her of Wonder, so she felt at ease with him at once. We laughed about it. She was very awake and conscious.

We didn't have to wait long before the surgeon came. He told her the bad news without evading, but in a very caring way. As I expected it hit her very hard, it was a huge disappointment. She cried and asked "how long?". But the doc explained that's not the question to ask at all. Okay, this is a major setback, but they don't give (her) up yet! He is going to talk with her cardiologist and lung specialist to see what else can be done. It won't be better, but they can try to hold the situation stable for as long as possible. It is bearable and she can still do things.

There is a ray of hope. When the surgeon had a good look at the heart during the operation he found it to be in better shape than expected. It wasn't that enlarged and the colour was reasonably good. The problems my mum is having seem to be caused mainly by her lungs, so that's where the focus will be at first while monitoring both heart and lungs. Another plus: she is determined to persevere in the non-smoking. We'll do all we can to help her.

All the tubes and other stuff are off, she only has a drip in her arm for medicine and blood samples and sometimes some extra oxygen. She is back in the ward and has a room all to herself. That's what she wanted. While we were moving her there we bumped into Sorcha and Luna, two friends of mine. They had to be in the hospital so they decided to bring mum a little present, an artificial rose with a card. Mum and I both appreciated that very very much! I pinned the rose to the notice board on the wall she looks at, together with a card I sent through the OLVG website.

I have spent the morning and part of the afternoon in the hospital. Ron hadn't seen her yet after the surgery, so we visited together in the evening. I bought her one of the gossip magazines. She really tries to see things positive, I'm so glad she does! Of course she cries from time to time, but I would be worried if she didn't. For the most part she is positive and already wants to go home!
When we returned home a lot of people were calling to hear how mum is. Ron volunteered for telephone service, so I could rest.

Surgery

First of all: thanks for all the support, thoughts, candles, etc. I'd love to thank you all personally, but I can't work up the energy right now. Sorry...

This morning around 11am I got a call from the hospital. Much too early (the surgery would last 4 to 6 hours), so I knew something was wrong. It was the surgeon himself. He told me my mother was brought to the ICU. My first thought was: thank god, she's not dead! The surgery started as planned, but didn't continue the way it should have. When the chest was open the surgeon discovered that the aorta was very severely hardened (calcificated). They knew about the hardening itself, but the seriousness would be unknown until the surgery. It was much worse than they anticipated. Technically it was difficult but possible to do a bypass and the valve replacement, but for my mum that wasn't an option. The risks would be unacceptable, sky high. She wouldn't have survived the operation... The surgeon consulted his colleagues, but they were unanimous. The only wise thing to do was stop the surgery and close her chest again, so that's what they did...

I was devastated, but after some phone calls I screwed up my courage and left for Amsterdam. I wanted to be with her, although it would take more time for her to notice me. After all she had gotten anaesthetics for lengthy open heart surgery. Around 3pm she opened her eyes now and then, saw me, smiled and slept on. After a few hours the artificial respiration was going to be turned off. A tense moment, but fortunately her lungs took over and she was breathing on her own. A ray of hope in sad times...

She was awake and talked a bit, but the surgeon considered her not yet conscious enough to tell the bad news. He'll do that tomorrow morning when I'm there. I can call the nurse around 8am to arrange it. I dread the moment, but I want to be with her when she hears about it. I'm afraid it'll hit her hard...

Please keep thinking of her, burning candles, etc.

Mum

Yesterday was a very long and tiring day. We (Ron, mum and I) spent the day in the hospital. A lot of waiting, tests, questions, information, etc. etc. The staff was very nice though and we were taken care of in a wonderful way. The only problem was, that they didn't have any planning for the day. They knew what had to be done, but had no idea what time.
The surgery will take place this Tuesday, June 6th at 8.30am (CET). Please think of her or light a candle. The hospital priest has given mum the blessing for sick people (I don't know how that's called in English) in presence of Joke and me. She felt a bit better afterwards.
When Joke came to visit (she works nearby) we were still waiting for the surgeon and the anaesthetist. Ron and I went home. The car parking total was € 16 (from 8.30am until 4.30pm)! At home I fell asleep on the couch, exhausted and with a headache. After a few hours I felt a lot better and relaxed. It's okay, I wanted to be there for mum. I promised to take better care and think more of myself after this. :-)
This morning I called the ward to ask how mum's first night had been. I won't do that every day, but mum decided not to have a phone next to her bed. The nurse handed her the ward phone so we could talk for a while. She had slept well and sounded relaxed. Good to hear! Ron and I will visit her tonight. Joke and Leo are going this afternoon. My brother has received the key to his new home yesterday, so he's very busy. He called me this morning and will visit mum tomorrow. I coordinate the visits, so there aren't too many people in the hospital at the same time.
I have been to mum's house earlier to water the plants, take care of the mail, etc. Strange to be there without her present.

The call

This morning the hospital has called my mother. Tomorrow at 9am she must report for admission. I'll go with her and be with her when the doctor and nurses inform her about examinations, surgery etc. Ron will be driving us, because I don't trust myself to be driving yet. I feel better though!

Short update

We are finally living downstairs. Unfortunately I had another blackout last Wednesday. I fell and somehow bumped my head. It turned out to be a concussion. :-( I've been in bed for two days. I feel somewhat better now, but still have headaches and won't be online much.
More later...