Update and PaganPages

I've been absent and I haven't even wished you a happy new year... Sorry! A lot has happened. I've had some issues with a new medicine for my blood pressure. I worked to lower the pressure, but I never felt worse! I tried it for a month, but we (GP and I) decided to stop. That was two weeks ago. Now I feel somewhat better, but my blood pressure is sky high again. So we'll continue to try and find new solutions to do something about it. All in all I've been out of the running for 4 to 6 weeks. Enough is enough. To be continued!

In between all this Ron is switching from paid employment to starting for himself. Same job though, transport guidance / pilot service. That way he can work more hours and hopefully make more money. :-) So this is an exciting but stressful time. Wish us luck!

~*~*~*~

PaganPages is an online magazine or e-zine about all things pagan. The February Issue is up now!

In my column I've shared some of my personal Imbolc traditions.
You can read it here: Tink About It: My Imbolc traditions

Breast cancer meme???

I have to get something off my chest... This week I got overloaded with requests to put a tiny heart ♥ on my Facebook wall. I am instructed to only send it to my female friends. The purpose: breast cancer awareness. We've seen earlier editions with posting the colour of your bra and other nonsense. I don't participate. Why not, you ask? Welll...

• First and foremost: breast cancer doesn't only affect women. Men can get it too! Read about it here. So why exclude men?


• Men have friends and relatives with breast cancer too, so if you want to raise awareness I ask you again: why exclude men?


• Awareness? Really? I can't see how that works. Everyone already knows it exists and that it's horrible. How can an annoying 'game' like this help? It doesn't give information, it doesn't educate people about breast cancer. 


• Have you ever thought how people with breast cancer look at it? I know people who have or had breast cancer (and knew some who died of it...) and most of them are against it, for different reasons. A survivor wrote this great post about it on her blog.

So... if you really want to help... Check yourself regularly. Donate to (or volunteer in) a cancer organisation. Raise money for cancer research. Support family and friends that are affected. Raise awareness by giving good information, share articles with substance. Or write one yourself like this woman did.
Thank you.

Health

Although I have my own medical complaints I don't dwell on my health daily. We should be (more) thankful for it though. Sometimes it's hard when we are faced with the reality of how fragile one's health can be...
In February I got a call from a dear friend's mother. She told me her daughter Kitty had had a stroke, a cerebral infarct. She had been unconscious for 3 weeks, paralyzed completely on the right side, kidney failure, liver damage and more... I was confused, or rather flabbergasted... She is my age, just a few weeks older, so it hit hard!

When we first visited her that afternoon she was in a nursing home. The average age was 75+ there, but she had to stay there because she needed dialysis. She was slowly getting a bit better, had some feeling in her right side, could speak again (though difficult). The situation made us cry together, but we also laughed a lot.

After a few weeks she was transferred to Heliomare, a health rehabilitation centre in Wijk aan Zee. That was a much better place for her, where she got all kinds of therapy. Every time we visited she had made big steps, real progression! She was walking again, and moving / using her arm a lot better. She shows so much strength and determination... I have deep respect for her, and also for her parents who keep supporting her daily anyway they can.

Last week I sent her another card, promising to come by this week. Wednesday she called us to say she was with her parents for a visit. Ron was stunned when Kitty called, another great step! Yesterday evening we drove to Heliomare for the visit. She had wonderful news: she is going home at the end of this month! She has already been home for weekends, first with her parents and later alone. She can walk the stairs to her bed and help herself around the house. Wow!! I'm so glad for her.

When we first visited her, we joked that she and I would be linedancing again this year. I had my doubts about it, but now I say: who knows? She wants to visit our linedance club so we'll contact the instructor and see what's possible. When she shows so much will to persevere we will do whatever we can to help!

Adiana again

Last week I had an appointment for the final test of the Adiana procedure, the hysterosalpingogram. HSG is a fertility testing technique that involves the injection of a special dye into the uterus through the cervical opening. The progression of the dye is then monitored via x-ray. It shows whether the tubes are completely closed or not.

It was done by another gynaecologist. She was very friendly and did her best, but man oh man... it was SO painful! I know I have a low pain barrier, but still... Everything she did hurt, and hurt badly! Ron later said she was very young and seemed a bit insecure and clumsy when she didn't get it right in one try. I can handle pain impulses, but it just didn't stop hurting. I couldn't relax locally as I did with the Adiana procedure itself.  I could watch the screens and follow the dye. I cannot describe how I felt when I clearly saw one tube wasn't closed completely.... Oh NO! What a disappointment...

Afterwards I felt shaky and when the gynaecologist and nurse left I burst into tears. I was in pain and lost quite a lot of blood. The doctor had said that was normal, so I wasn't alarmed and in the days after it slowly got less and eventually disappeared.

Today I spoke with my own gynaecologist. He told me only a very small percentage of tubes wasn't closed completely after 6 months. Of course I belong to that minority, just my luck... :-( We agreed to do another internal ultrasound scan next week, just to be sure the inserts are still in place. Then in 3 months we have to repeat the HSG. Unfortunately there is no other way to indisputably prove the closing of the tubes. He promised me he'll do it himself and in a slightly different way. Not completely painless, but hopefully a bit more bearable. With something to relax and pain medication beforehand I think I'll manage, but I'm not looking forward to it!

UPDATE Oct. 17: Just got back from the ultrasound. The inserts are still in place. One is slightly further into my tube, what might be why it isn't completely closed yet. The new HSG will be done in January.

Sick and tired

Yep, I was sick... again! I've missed all the flu attacks since I started taking echinacea a few years ago. Everyone around me got it, except me. But this year it seems to be my turn, despite the echinacea I'm still taking. And it keeps coming back. This last week I was sick for the fourth time in just three months! Of course I was a good girl, listened to my body and stayed in bed or on the couch. I'm feeling a bit better now and I sincerely hope this was it. I'm sick and tired of always being sick and tired! Most of the time I can handle the 'tired'-part, but I'm fed up with being sick and/or feeling under the weather. All the stress in our life can't be good, but I can't take that away. If only I could... *sigh*
Okay, enough ranting. Just thought I'd let you know where I've been this week.

Adiana progress update

Do you see the two white spots left and right of center? We have twins! *lol* Hahaha, no... Those are the Adiana inserts. Last Thursday I had an appointment to check the progress. I got an internal ultrasound scan and a talk with the gynaecologist. Everything is okay, it's going as planned. I've made an appointment in October for the  final HSG-test.

What a vacation...

Thursday the 7th Ron and I were finally on our way, ready for a great two-weeks vacation in Lier, Belgium. We arrived late in the afternoon. I didn't feel completely fit, but it was just like having my period. Just what the doctor had said after the Adiana. In the evening we went for a walk along the river Nete. The weather was nice and the dogs were happy too. We noticed a lot of herbs, so we planned to pick them later in the week.

The next morning my back ached. Perhaps I had slept in a wrong position or something, I don't know. Every move hurt. Still we decided to go into town to do some shopping and groceries. It went okay, but I was exhausted when we got back. Little by little I was feeling worse: my back, nauseous, dizzy... I tried to eat something, but it didn't taste at all. In the end I went to bed early. Unfortunately I didn't feel better when I woke up, on the contrary. A few days I was feeling so ill... After that I felt slightly better, but that was about it. I didn't get better. In the end we decided last week to go home, in hopes of getting better there. I felt so sad to have to abort the vacation, but we really had no other choice. I couldn't stop crying though.

So, last Tuesday we got home. Ron called the gynaecologist, but he said it had nothing to do with the Adiana procedure. Perhaps only my strength was a bit low which caused me to get ill. He advised me to take paracetamol a few times a day and let the illness run its course. Gradually that made me feel a bit better, but it took quite some time. Right now I'm still not completely back to normal, but I feel okay. If the weather cooperates a bit, perhaps we'll go back for a few days. We'll see...

Done!

This afternoon the Adiana procedure was done. I wasn't really nervous. The gynaecologist was very nice and his assistants too. We chatted about our upcoming vacation and in the meantime we could watch everything on a tv screen next to me. The doctor explained what he was doing. It didn't hurt, but sometimes it felt awkward and strange. He informed me when the feeling could be worse. The moment of releasing the insert was uncomfortable. It made me feel dizzy and nauseous. Luckily this doctor gives a shot of atropine before the procedure, otherwise I would have fainted. The feeling disappeared when the delivery catheter was taken out. The whole thing lasted 15 minutes maximum! Right now it feel okay, quite normal actually. It can hurt like a normal period at best. In 5 weeks I'll get a consult and an ultrasound scan for control. After 3 months a test will be done to confirm that my tubes are completely blocked.

At first Ron and I planned to have kids some day, but then my depressions and eating disorders got in the way. I couldn't take care of myself, let alone take care of a baby. When those problems were more or less behind me, the chronic fatigue became the next spoil-sport. Now, 10 years later, the fatigue is still there. We don't want to put a child in this situation, doesn't feel fair to the little one. Plus meanwhile I'm almost 43. It's for the best, it wasn't meant to be. Regrets? Not really... I guess over the years we got used to the idea of having no kids. We enjoy the freedom and are at peace with it.

Adiana procedure

I'm still trying to get off as much medication as possible. Last year we talked about birth control. I'm still using a contraceptive pill. The hormones in it have influence on my body and the other medication, so I'd like to stop taking them.
The best option is sterilization and the easiest way would be for Ron to do it. But that never felt good for me. If anything happens to me, he can still have kids for the rest of his life while my biological clock has almost run out. Of course we don't presume anything happening, but the consideration stands nevertheless. On the other hand sterilisation for me meant surgery, not very appealing either.

In a women's magazine I read something about the Adiana procedure, a safe and minimally invasive procedure for permanent contraception. I made an appointment with a gynaecologist that specializes in Adiana and Essure (another, similar method). He advised me to stop with the pill for some months to see whether my menstrual bleeding pattern would return and be regular. That turned out to be the case, so the appointment could be made for the procedure. Unfortunately that had to be rescheduled several times, but tomorrow afternoon it will be done.

There are four simple steps to the Adiana procedure:

Step 1: A slender, flexible instrument (delivery catheter) is passed through the body's natural openings (i.e., through the vagina and cervix and into the uterus) to deliver a low level of radiofrequency energy (i.e., energy that generates heat to create a superficial lesion) to a small section of each fallopian tube.

Step 2: A tiny, soft insert - about the size of a grain of rice - is placed in each of your fallopian tubes, right where the energy was applied.

Step 3: You must use another form of birth control over the next 3 months, while new tissue grows in and around the Adiana inserts, eventually blocking your fallopian tubes.

Step 4: At 3 months, a special test is performed (hysterosalpingogram or HSG) to confirm that your tubes are fully blocked. This test will ensure that the procedure has been successful.

Or you can watch an animation of the procedure here.

All text, images and the animation are property of Adiana / Hologic Inc.

Long time no see

Yeah, I haven't been posting much lately... I have so much I want to do, so much I need to do and even more I have to do... Somehow that ends up in me doing nothing. I'll give you a little update though...

My health still bothers me. As I wrote before, I'm caught between happy feelings (yay, nothing's wrong) and discomfort. I don't feel good, on the contrary. I'm not sick, it's hard to describe. On top of the physical problems  I'm also struggling mentally. Life isn't easy at the moment. I won't tire you with the details, but it's more survival than life... Bleh, enough of that negativity.

From Ascension Day until the Sunday thereafter my coven was invited to the Greencraft Coven Convention in Castle De Berckt in Baarlo, Netherlands. Greencraft is an Alexandrian based Wiccan Tadition, founded by Hera and Arghuicha (read more on the Greencraft website).We had wonderful days filled with workshops, rituals, meetings and social interaction. The weather was very good, although a bit too sunny and warm to my liking. A lot could be done outside. Because the tradition celebrated its 20th anniversary the covens had prepared a beautiful and very special ritual to honour and thank Hera and Arghuicha. We were very honoured to be able to take part in this.

We are busy with Ron's business called Van Leeuwen Auto Advies (Van Leeuwen Car Advice) or VLAA. The website is online: www.vlaa.nl. The colours we are using come from Van Swieten, the transport company for which Ron's father worked and Ron has fond memories of. We have done a lot of work these last weeks/months. The logo, business cards, etc. are ready too. The car will get some advertisement next week. Let the customers come! :-)

Last weekend Ron and I went to a little folk festival called Teylinger Fest. It was organized for the first time this year, but hopefully it won't be the last! There were folk bands playing all day in the Ruin of Teylingen. On the fields around it were market stalls and entertainment. You can see our pictures in my Facebook album "Teylinger Fest 2011" (no need for a FB account to watch).

That's it for now. I'll try to post more regularly!

Results

The cardiologist just called. There was nothing wrong with my 48 hours ECG or any of the other tests. My basic heartrate is somewhat higher than average, but no problems, no arrhythmia, nothing out of the ordinary. Now I'm torn between being happy (nothing wrong, yay!) and feeling disappointed with this unsatisfactory answer (I feel lousy, what IS wrong than, damn it?!). The heart specialist will report to my GP and that's it for now. I feel a bit numb...

My heart

Last Monday I had an appointment with the heart specialist. A very nice lady, kind and efficient. An ECG was made and I had to do a test on the hometrainer. Nothing strange could be seen. The last time I suffered from my heart problems there was a doctor present. She immediately noted what was happening: atrium fibrillation. It is not good, but not too serious either and not life-threatening in itself, but it is very uncomfortable and increases the risk of other heart problems.

The cardiologist gave me a portable device to monitor my heart for 48 hours from Monday to Wednesday. It made a 48 hour ECG on a digital storage card. Unfortunately (well, under these circumstances...) I didn't have another serious problem, although I had a few times that my heart started racing and I felt bad. I discovered the symptoms start coming when I'm standing still for some time. Exertion doesn't trigger the problems, but standing still does. Strange! I have written down my experiences and handed them in with the device.
The doctor will call me with the results on May 30th. I'm curious, we'll see...

Update

A few weeks into the new year, everything back to normal. You asked me how I'm doing. Well, I feel fine! I really think it was the right time to quit taking antidepressants. The first weeks I felt a bit weird, like I had a big fog inside my head. Slowly the fog faded away. The most significant change are my feelings. I got to know peaks again, up and down. My feelings are more intense. I laughed out loud, cried a river and got really mad! When I was having my period last week people around me suffered from my temper. :) In the beginning it was all a bit too much, but I already feel a balance coming. It feels good to feel real again. It doesn't feel strange at all, it feels very familiar. The old me is waking up and I welcome her back with open arms!

I also started working on my weight again. I don't diet, I pay more attention to my food intake and regularity. Everything is allowed, but in moderation. The first week went very well and the reward was huge: I lost 7 kg (15,4lbs)! Of course that was a bit much and a lot of water, but still nice. The second week I got my period and gained 0,5 kg. Ah well, the average is still good. ;-) I have to (want to) persevere anyway, because I have quite some weight to lose. I don't have a goal weight, more a goal size. I'd like to have size 44 (Dutch size, equals UK-size 18, US-size 16) again, so I can buy clothes in common stores. A long way to go, wish me luck...

Last post of 2010!

The last weeks I haven't been posting much. Don't worry, I'm still here! I've been busy with some major issues in my life. I won't beat around the bush... In a very sneaky way the eating disorder monster found its way back into my life. I hate to admit it, but it's true. Good news is I'm fighting back with all I've got! It is hard, but I'm more determined than ever to get rid of it once and for all...
Another big decision: I decided to try a life without anti depressants. They've helped me in the past and I'm glad they did. After I forgot them for a week (yes, really forgot!) and didn't even really notice it I decided to give it a go. So you see... major issues...

This morning I walked a labyrinth on a foggy beach and it was magical! The fog in my head is slowly clearing away. It will take some time until the ad remainders left my body completely. I asked some guidance in the labyrinth.The answer was clear enough: have faith! So that's my intention for 2011...

To all of you: blessings and all the best for 2011. May your best day of 2010 be your worst in 2011! :)

Catching up

The last few weeks have been very busy. First Ron had a very nasty flu. Just when he was recovering he got an acute cystitis, which is very painful especially for a man. On top of that his knees are aching again. In between all of that Ron is working hard to get his own business going.

A friend invited Ron and me to celebrate Samhain with a group we know from a pagan forum and former meetings. First it wasn't possible because I had a ritual planned with my coven on Saturdaynight, but that was delayed. In the evening we did a beautiful ritual and afterwards there was a Halloween party in the big hall. Everything was decrated and looked great. I wore a Caspar the Friendly Ghost mask and a witches' hat. Ron stayed up late, but I went to bed earlier because I was very tired.

November 16th I went to the first viewing of the Take That documentary "Look Back Don't Stare" in Theater Tuschinski in Amsterdam. It's about Rob's return to the boy... eh... manband. I had won tickets! If you're interested in Ron and Take That I can recommend it. At times I was surprised there eventually came a cd. :) I understand why Rob has so much fun being back with the boys. If this is the way for him I'm okay with it. I already bought a ticket for the concert in the Amsterdam Arena on July 18th next year and I'm looking forward to it!

Last weekend I spent another weekend in a yurt with the Lowland Systers. This time it wasn't as cold as early this year. We had a wonderful time! The first day we used to catch up with each other and make plans for the weekend. Saturday we slept in. I woke up at half past 10! The last weeks had asked a lot of my energy, so I had to use the weekend to recharge my battery. In the afternoon we did some magical groupwork and when it was dark we walked into the woods to do our ritual. We found a stump that was perfect to use as an altar. Afterwards we had dinner in the yurt. It's such a great accomodation! It has a lovely atmosphere, especially by candlelight. Sunday morning we packed our bags and said our goodbyes. We already have plans to return there next year. :) You can see my pics in my Facebook album "Yurt 2".

Numen, the nature of plants

Today I watched an excellent documentary: Numen, The Nature Of Plants. It was an exclusive screening for HerbMentor-members. Numen (defined as the animating force in nature) is a 95-minute documentary film focusing on the healing power of plants and the natural world. It is for herbalists, gardeners, medical practitioners, plant lovers - and everyone concerned about human and environmental health.

The film is built around interviews with a series of experts and individuals that in turn share their opinion about a lot of topics. In between they show beautiful footage of medicinal plants. That works very good. It is educating, moving, awakening, inspiring, compelling, and so much more. I can really recommend it to everyone!

Here's a 10 minute preview, enjoy!

A. Vogel workshop

The last week I've been in and out of bed / couch. At first I just had a sore throat, but later the rest of a nasty cold or flu was added. In between I've been doing things. :)

Last Friday I was invited to do the workshop "In balance" at the A. Vogel / Biohorma headquarters in Elburg. It was quite a drive and I wasn't feeling that well, but I really wanted to go! I arrived around 10am. One by one the participants came in. The welcome was very friendly and warm. All the Vogel people we encountered that day were like that. You could feel they really like their jobs and vouch for the Vogel products. The whole atmosphere felt very good.

After the welcome we were divided in two groups. My group first got a presentation about the company, how they work, the philosophy, some products and A. Vogel himself by a very enthusiastic man called Marcel Brienne (he starts talking when you visit the Dutch Vogel website). I already know and use Vogel products, but it was very interesting nevertheless. He had also brought some little jars with raw materials.

When he was finished a nice lady explained and helped us to make our own oils. There was a lot of stuff to choose from. I made two oils: the first from 80% almond oil / 20% jojoba oil with lavender, camomille and marigold, the second from 100% jojoba oil with thyme and rosemary. It was a lot of fun!

Next stop was the factory to take a look there. We got white coats and hats for hygiene. We have seen all the departments from processing to bottling with information and explanation by factory personnel. In another room a public health inspector was checking things.

Then it was time for lunch! The tables were full of delicious dressed rolls and other yummy things. After lunch we watched a short film, an introduction before we drove to the A. Vogel gardens. Everything was still covered in snow, but the gardener made the fields come alive while he told us all about 'his' gardens. I definitely want to go back in summer to see the gardens in bloom! The gardens are in a protected country estate, but always open to everyone. In the shop on the nearby farm we drank hot chocolate (or glühwein) before we drove back.

There were drinks and snacks to welcome us back. We sat for a while before it was time to go home. To my surprise we got a bag full of Vogel products and a Vogel umbrella as a goodbye gift. Wow, what a day! I really enjoyed myself and learned a lot in the process. The long drive home full of traffic jams couldn't even spoil the fun, although I was sooo glad when I got home!

Back home

Thank you all for your candles, thoughts, etc. It has worked: his hands and armpits are completely dry! The surgery went well but they forgot to call me, so I was waiting downstairs getting more nervous by the minute. I decided to go upstairs and asked a nurse. Finally I heard everything was fine. Half an hour later Ron returned to his room. He felt okay. During the night he had pain and tightness of the chest as a result of the deflating of his lungs one by one. He says it feels like having bruised ribs. He 'just' has to breathe good and deep, the pain will go away after a while. He has two stitches on every side (about 10cm under his armpits); those can be taken out in two weeks by our own family doctor. He has to call the clinic next week to let them know how he is.

I had a reasonably good night. I was very very tired after a long day, so I slept before my head touched the pillows. I was awake from time to time, because I missed Ron. We hardly ever sleep apart. Somewhere in the middle of the night I was wide awake and felt restless. I think that must have been when Ron had his pain attack. In the morning I checked out and drove back to the hospital. Ron had to wait for the doctor to give permission to go home. The nurse gave him a painkiller for the drive and a prescription for more painkillers. I drove home in 2 hours. Ron is resting and hopefully sleeping upstairs and I'm catching up with my (e-)mail and other stuff.

Surgery Ron

Last week Ron got a message from the Sudor Clinic in Almelo. He has to check in tomorrow morning for his thoracoscopic sympathectomy (the link leads you to an animation), surgery in which the nerves that cause hyperhidrosis (excessive perspiration) under his arms will be partly cut/burned. He is nervous about the operation itself, but also looking forward to finally getting rid of this problem. He has tried everything there is to overcome it, but nothing really helped. This procedure is drastic, but the only option left for Ron. It is performed in other hospitals in the Netherlands too, but the Sudor clinic is specialised and has the highest success percentage (98%!).
We'll leave early in the morning to be there in time. Ron has to stay one night for observation. I have booked a simple hotelroom nearby. If all goes as planned he'll be released from hospital on Thursday and we can come home. I wish we were that far already! I'm at least as nervous as Ron is. Please think of him, pray, light a candle, anything you want; all support is welcome!

Exertion test

Today I had the exertion test in the CFS centre in Amsterdam. We had to be there at 9.15 am, so we had to drive through the morning rush-hour. It took almost thrice the normal time.
First they made an ECG. I also had to do a longfunction test; that went okay, I scored 98%. Then I put on my sportswear and climbed on the exercise bike. I had a mask on to breathe through, a zillion stickers on my body with wires, a clip on one finger and something around another finger; I must have looked like an alien! ;-) The test itself was quite tough. I could say when to stop, but of course I didn't want to quit too soon. I cycled for 20 minutes or so. Afterwards I was dizzy and exhausted.
Although all the results have to be reviewed in the team, the doctor told me his first impression. It looks like the oxygen and carbon levels in my blood are off when I strain myself, which makes me dizzy and tired, and give me a dry throat. If that's the case I should do the same bike test again in the VU hospital, where they can observe the levels in my blood directly when I'm cycling. I can call in 3 weeks for the overall results. At that time we make another appointment to talk things over and see what we can do next.
At the end I got a portable device strapped on for 24 hours. It will measure and record my blood pressure every 30 minutes. It started 11am this morning and stops 11am tomorrow morning. The band around my arm and the small hose are inconvenient and irritating, but it's okay. When I took a nap this afternoon I was so tired it didn't wake me up, so I hope I'll sleep somehow tonight. I can see the measurements too. My blood pressure varies from 150-165 over 110-125 up until now.