Update

A few weeks into the new year, everything back to normal. You asked me how I'm doing. Well, I feel fine! I really think it was the right time to quit taking antidepressants. The first weeks I felt a bit weird, like I had a big fog inside my head. Slowly the fog faded away. The most significant change are my feelings. I got to know peaks again, up and down. My feelings are more intense. I laughed out loud, cried a river and got really mad! When I was having my period last week people around me suffered from my temper. :) In the beginning it was all a bit too much, but I already feel a balance coming. It feels good to feel real again. It doesn't feel strange at all, it feels very familiar. The old me is waking up and I welcome her back with open arms!

I also started working on my weight again. I don't diet, I pay more attention to my food intake and regularity. Everything is allowed, but in moderation. The first week went very well and the reward was huge: I lost 7 kg (15,4lbs)! Of course that was a bit much and a lot of water, but still nice. The second week I got my period and gained 0,5 kg. Ah well, the average is still good. ;-) I have to (want to) persevere anyway, because I have quite some weight to lose. I don't have a goal weight, more a goal size. I'd like to have size 44 (Dutch size, equals UK-size 18, US-size 16) again, so I can buy clothes in common stores. A long way to go, wish me luck...

TT #94: diet quotes

Thirteen quotes on diet and weight(loss) It's the most talked about subject in January and this time I go with the flow! Yes, I'm trying to lose weight too; aren't I always..? ;-) A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit. If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush. ~Dawn French I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. In eating, a third of the stomach should be filled with food, a third with drink and the rest left empty. ~Talmud The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets. ~Dolly Parton If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution. I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu. ~Jane Wagner Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to. ~Linda Evangelista My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. ~Orson Welles Never eat more than you can lift. ~Miss Piggy In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and cahins. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. ~Stephen Phillips ~*~*~*~ The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted Unfortunately the TT website doesn't exist anymore.That's a pity, but I'll keep on doing TT's and I hope everyone else will. The link to the code doesn't work (comes automatically with Mr. Linky). Leaving your link is extra important now, so please do! update: There's a temporary solution: Thursday-13!

Another week

And then, before you know it, it's Wednesday again and you haven't written a post for a week. Time flies... It's not that I haven't got something to write about! :-)

I'm making my own lavender oil. I'm using the cold and slow method: lavender blossom in a jar, fill it up with peanut oil and put it in a sunny place. Daily shake and turn the jar. It already smells wonderful, but it will take some more time to be ready. Then I can sieve and bottle it. Pictures: after shaking, close-up and after a while.

Ron is working again, starting with 3 days, 4 hours. They have given him something useful to do, that makes use of his skills and experience. He's really enjoying it. It's strange to be home alone again, but I'm very happy he is so much better. I wouldn't wish such a burn-out on anyone...
Mentally he is getting there again, but unfortunately his back is playing up now. He has severe pain and got painkillers and physiotherapy twice a week. I hope it will soon be over!

Last Friday I picked up Wonder in Rijen to go shopping in Breda. He's slowly progressing, but still has a lot of pain. It's not easy, but he is making the best of it. He started a correspondence course in coaching and counselling. That will be an excellent addition to his own business. He works together with a reintegration bureau to put it on the map when he's ready and able to work again.
He really needed to get out of the house and do something else though. Breda is a wonderful city. When we walked into the city centre Wonder saw something moving on the street. It was a little tit. I carefully put it in my hands. It couldn't fly and was trembling, but otherwise it looked fine. We looked around, but couldn't find the mother, the nest or other birds. We walked into a square with grass and trees. There were other tits but also some cats, so we couldn't just put it on the ground. We asked a telephone book and called the local pet shelter. They agreed to pick up the little one at the Tourist Office, so that's were I left him behind. In the short time he had gotten used to me somehow and protested softly. The girl there was very nice and asked my mobile number. When the tit was taken away by the people of the pet shelter, she called me. My little friend was doing fine and he'll survive. Good news!
The weather was good and we had a great time. Not all shops were easily accessible for the wheelchair, but we managed okay. We lunched in an outdoor café. We bought the same book by Erika Dühnfort about Irish deity, heroes and druids. Of course we visited some "new age" shops like Chi Levenskracht (they sell the Chi essential oils, but are no longer related). For dinner we stumbled upon a wonderful tapas restaurant: Plan B. Sitting outside, looking at the people passing, we were served by the very friendly owner. The tapas were very yummy!

It had been quite a busy week, so we didn't plan much for the weekend. Nevertheless we didn't have very early nights... Saturday evening we went to Rons sister and brother-in-law in Beverwijk and were home late. Sunday evening we picked up friends at Schiphol Airport; they came home from a holiday on Crete. We stayed for a while and it was late again. :-) Fortunately I have slept a few times during the day.

Yesterday I mustered up my courage and stepped on the scales. The last few months have not been my best food-wise and that's putting it mildly. So I knew the figure on the display wouldn't exactly please me. Well, it didn't. In fact I was a bit shocked: 112 kilo (247 lbs.), aaaaarrgghh!!! I know I did that all by myself and I know what I have to do now. Not going on a crash diet, but watch my intake and make it better, more regular and healthier again. It's a lifelong assignment, or curse... Or as Garfield puts it:

New start

The new year helped me to make a new start in eating. I finally succeeded in breaching the vicious circle, the binging... It is hard, very hard. I'm glad I did it though, it was about time to get a grip on myself!
I stepped on the scales last week, I'm back to 100++ kg... I expected that, I knew before I saw the figures. I can't blame anyone but myself. I don't want to linger on blaming myself. I know it so well and it doesn't work.
This new start is different new start than others in the past. I'm not setting any unreachable goals, I don't stop eating, I'm not putting myself on a killer diet. This time I'm doing it the right way. Start eating normally, change habits, stop fooling myself. So far it's going okay. Not perfect, but okay. That's good enough.
Last Thursday I went with Ron to his psychiatrist. She's good. I talked freely and told her about my feelings. She knows enough about eating disorders not to make the classic therapist mistakes, what a relief! She was honest enough to say that she doesn't know whether she can help me. That's fine. If she's willing to give it a try, so am I. This thursday is the next appointment.

TT #68: resolutions

Thirteen 2007 resolutions and the results Last year I did my last TT of December about New Year's resolutions. I started to say why they are a curse. Perhaps I should have stopped right there...! ;-) go back inside and make contact with myself again, learn to accept and honour myself (read more here) - the Goddess knows I tried, but it is an ongoing struggle... lose weight (what's new..?) - o yes I did! I lost almost 20 kilo's; I just gained them back the last months... *big sigh* bring back regularity in my eating pattern - again, everything I did better in the first nine months I spoiled in the last three months... be more involved in planning and preparing dinner - I tried, but not hard enough. I just hate cooking... exercise more frequently - I did walk as much as possible for some time and I do aquaspinning once a week, but I can't say I succeeded on this point... meditate - I meant outside rituals and special events. Well, rarely if never... drink less Diet Coke - big failure, I drink the same amount or more... work on my Temple of ARA petition - still not ready... spend more time in nature - not as much as I would have liked... be more active again in snail mail projects (PostcardFairies, PostCrossing, etc.) - nah, not really been active there... visit the pet shelter for "cuddle duty" - not done yet, I don't plan to as long as Ron is home from work make time to let the creative juices flow - I wish i had, I still miss it... say NO more often, be assertive - hmmm, yeah sometimes... Not a great score, don't you think? That's why I'm not making any new resolutions this time! Are you brave enought to make resolutions for 2008??? ~*~*~*~ Links to other Thursday Thirteens! ~*~ ellen b. ~*~ Malcolm ~*~ Chelle Y. ~*~ Nicholas ~*~ The Gal Herself ~*~ Natalie ~*~ Claudia ~*~ Puss Reboots ~*~ sobeit ~*~ Babystepper ~*~ Lori (single parent) ~*~ Deb ~*~ Susan Helene ~*~ Sandy Carlson ~*~ Lazy Daisy ~*~ Moondancer ~*~ SusieJ ~*~ Rae ~*~ Gattina ~*~ Yen ~*~ sandier pastures ~*~ Sarah ~*~ Zenmomma ~*~ cajunvegan ~*~ mommywah ~*~ Bloggers ~*~ Ornery's Wife ~*~ storyteller ~*~ Wolfie ~*~ Lori ~*~ Nancy Bond ~*~ Dane Bramage ~*~ Michelle O. ~*~ damozel ~*~ Jehara ~*~ Saoirse Daily2 ~*~ Xakara ~*~ SJ Reidhead ~*~ Darla ~*~ Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Crisis

Okay, perhaps the title is a bit overdone, but I don't feel at my best (hmm, that's under-done...).
Today I had an appointment with my internist. I knew he would want to check my weight. The fact is I hadn't been on the scales for ages. The last months the stress and fatigue increased and my depression deepened. Normally I would be able to handle the stress but the combination made me lose control. That has two possible results in my case: overeating or not eating. This time it was the first... I can't get a grip on it and I hate it. I know eactly what I have to do, but I can't. I try again and again but without success, on the contrary...

I didn't want to weigh myself in the hospital, so I decided to step on the scales this morning. I knew it wouldn't be good, but it was even worse. All the weight I have lost this year is back on... Of course I've seen it before and felt it for a long time, but the confrontation with the figure on the display always does it big time...

Ron has discussed my problems with his psychiatrist. Of course it affects him too and she has experience with people with eating disorders. In January I will go with Ron to two of his appointments with her. She wants to see whether she can help me. I'm willing to try, but I can't imagine to hear something I don't already know after all the therapy and help I've had. We'll see; it's obvious I need something to overcome this relapse...

As for my appointment with the doctor... My bloodpressure was 150/100, same as with the last check-up. No change in medicine there. The internist wants to reduce the Thyrax, because my thyroid values are a bit high. They have been for some time, but last time I took less Thyrax my weight went sky-high again. Still he wants to try again. Yay, just what I need right now...

End of challenge!

The 10:4 challenge has ended! This is my result:

• April 3 (my start): 110.2 kg - 46% fat - BMI 36.8
• May 1 (10:4 start): 104.9 kg - 45% fat - BMI 35
• June 5 (1st update): 99.3 kg - 43% fat - BMI 33.2
• July 3 (2nd update): 97.5 kg - 41% fat - BMI 32.6
• Aug. 1 (3rd update): 93.5 kg - 42% fat - BMI 31.2
• Sept. 1 (10:4 ends): 92.3 kg - 40% fat - BMI 30.8

(1 kg = 2.205 lbs)

The goal of the challenge was "To lose 10 pounds between May 1st and September 1st; 4 months, 2.5 pounds per month." The last month I didn't lose much weight, but I defeated the object some time ago. I did it in the right way and I'm happy with what I've achieved. In 5 months I lost 17,9 kg (almost 40 lbs), 6% fat and 6 BMI-points.

This is not the end of my diet though. I still want to see where I can end up with my weight by dieting in a healthy way. I want to be under 90 kgs, but I'd love to go under 80. We'll see if that's possible. I'm doing my best and that's all I can do! :-)

Weigh In 3

The 10:4 challenge is three months on its way; here's my "score"...

• April 3 (my start): 110.2 kg - 46% fat - BMI 36.8
• May 1 (10:4 start): 104.9 kg - 45% fat - BMI 35
• June 5 (1st update): 99.3 kg - 43% fat - BMI 33.2
• July 3 (2nd update): 97.5 kg - 41% fat - BMI 32.6
• Aug. 1 (3rd update): 93.5 kg - 42% fat - BMI 31.2

(1 kg = 2.205 lbs)

My goal for July was to get to 95. I succeeded there. Last week I was around 95 and a bit below, but all the exercise in Luxemburg (a lot of walking, up and down hill) must have given it another boost. Strangely enough the fat percentage is a bit higher (I rounded it off, so not a whole %) than last month. Ah well... Perhaps next month it will be less again. I'd like to get beyond the 90 limit, but we'll see if I can accomplish that before the challenge ends. I'm planning to get there anyway, sooner or (not too much!) later.

People start noticing my weight loss and give me compliments. I'm not that good in receiving compliments, but I love to hear them! And I need them too, because I don't always notice the difference myself. Yes, I'm wearing a smaller jeans size, but in the mirror it is still difficult for me to see. Distorted body image for life...?

I've got the Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer I told you about in my last update and it's fabulous! So much easier to use and to clean, I love it! I can throw whole apples, kiwi's etc. in the large opening. Only thick peels and big seeds have to be removed. The juices are yummy!

Weigh In 2

The 10:4 challenge is two months on its way; time for an official update again...

• Apr. 3 (my start): 110.2 kg - 46% fat - BMI 36.8
• May 1 (10:4 start): 104.9 kg - 45% fat - BMI 35
• June 5 (1st update): 99.3 kg - 43% fat - BMI 33.2
• July 3 (2nd update): 97.5 kg - 41% fat - BMI 32.6

(1 kg = 2.205 lbs)

My goal for June was to stay under 100 but aiming for 95. I'm on my way there, so I think this month can be called a success. You say I don't sound enthusiastic? Yeah, true. It wasn't easy. Especially the last two weeks; up and down, but on balance no change. I think I'm too impatient. I want it all, and I want it now! Oh well... nothing new for me. ;-)

This afternoon I was making orange and kiwi juice with a juicer. Not my favourite job, but fresh juice is the best and so yummy! Suddenly I got an electric shock, the fuses blew and the juicer stopped. I'm okay, I was just a bit shaken. The juicer is definitely deceased though!
I've been thinking about purchasing a Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer. I especially like the extra-large feeder, the pulp collector and the fact that it's easy to clean. Perhaps it's time to get it now... Do any of you have experience with it?

Weigh In

The 10:4 challenge is well over a month on its way; time for an official update...

• Apr. 3 (my start): 110.2 kg - 46% fat - BMI 36.8
• May 1 (10:4 start): 104.9 kg - 45% fat - BMI 35
• June 5 (1st update): 99.3 kg - 43% fat - BMI 33.2

Yayyyyyyyyy, I'm under 100 kg!!!!!!!!!!!!! ***happy dance***
It hasn't been easy. It still isn't, but then again no-one promissed it would be... I try to exercise as much as I can on my Health Walker and outdoors. I watch what I eat, although I don't have 'forbidden' food. If I really crave 'bad' things I allow myself to take some, but most of the time I take something healthier instead.
My goal for June: at the very least stay under 100 but aiming for 95!

(1 kg = 2.205 lbs)

Update

Today Ron has gone back to work. He'll work 3 days a week (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) for 4 hours. There will be someone who helps him reintegrate, starting with adapted tasks. He wasn't really nervous, but felt a healthy tension. It was strange to be up very early and see him leave for work. He has been home since September and I'm used to having him around. I miss him, but of course I'm glad he's doing better. He still has psychological help, but that's a good thing.

My diet is showing ups and downs. I try my best... It seems like the 100kg-limit is playing games with me though. Everytime I get close, the next time at the scales I'm heavier again. Sometimes that's for obvious reasons (ate too much, didn't move enough), but often it's inexplicable and that's frustrating! I mustn't grumble, I've lost 10 kg already. Still, I'll be so glad once I'm on the right side of 100 again...

The weight is over

On Stephanie's blog I came across a challenge that seemed to call me: the 10:4 challenge, started by Carl V. Here it is:

"The rules: lose 10 pounds between May 1st and September 1st. That is 4 months, 2.5 pounds per month. That may not seem like alot. Quite frankly, that is the point, because the other rule to this challenge is that weight loss must be done in a healthy manner. The point isn’t so much to lose the weight but to improve health. That means no skipping meals or fad diets or impossible-to-keep decisions like “I’ll never eat dessert again”. This is about taking the next 4 months to make some lifestyle changes that should result in steady, consistent weight loss and increased health. The 10:4 Challenge is about baby steps. It is about no longer accepting the excuses we all make for ourselves and going forth as a group to accomplish small, but important, changes in our lives. I have tried this sort of thing before, alone, and it doesn’t work. My hope is that if we do this as a community and encourage one another on a fairly regular basis that we will all see steady results and will feel much the better for it. "

It appealed to me, because it doesn't encourage a crash diet. It's all about doing it the right way. That's the only way that works for me. I have to watch myself not to start eating less and less and/or binging. I want to lose weight, but not at all costs. I also have to take my underactive thyroid into account. And I want to exercise; I can't do a lot, but I can do more than I did the last months.
The amount in the challenge is not what's the most important. Convert-me told me that 10 pounds is 4.536 kilogram. That's attainable, but I need to lose more. I already started watching my weight and eating habits in the beginning of april. I was 110.2 kg (242.9 lbs) and that's BMI 36.8! Time to get a grip... I got a new pair of scales, that measures weight, fat, water and muscle percentage. I don't do a particular diet, because that's no good. I eat everything I want, but in moderation. It doesn't work to ban things. I try to make healthy choices, but if I really crave chocolate I better take some. Nothing wrong with that.

It's only fair to start the challenge now. In the first month I always lose a lot, but mostly water. I won't post too many numbers, but here are some:

• my start: 110.2 kg - 46% fat - BMI 36.8
• 10:4 start: 104.9 kg - 45% fat - BMI 35

TT #22: resolutions

Thirteen New Year's resolutions New Year's Resolutions are the curse of the modern calendar. Our calendar is not in rhythm with the natural world; we have not had a timekeeping system in sync with the cosmos and nature for centuries. Our intentions are honorable, but our timing stinks. The right timing for new beginnings is at the spring equinox: to innovate, target our goals, and just do it. From Winter Solstice on December 21st until Spring Equinox on March 19th, it's time to reflect, slow down, and hibernate... let the old disintegrate and die while the embryonic seed energy builds up for sowing new and wonderful things at the natural spring New Year. ©2003 by Joyce Mason Having said that... I can't resist to try anyway! ;-) go back inside and make contact with myself again, learn to accept and honour myself (read more here) lose weight (what's new..?) bring back regularity in my eating pattern be more involved in planning and preparing dinner exercise more frequently meditate drink less Diet Coke work on my Temple of ARA petition spend more time in nature be more active again in snail mail projects (PostcardFairies, PostCrossing, etc.) visit the pet shelter for "cuddle duty" make time to let the creative juices flow say NO more often, be assertive ~*~*~*~ Links to other Thursday Thirteens! ~*~ N. Mallory ~*~ Nathalie ~*~ Skittles ~*~ Di ~*~ Mike ~*~ Darla ~*~ busy91 ~*~ My Twenty Cents Keeps Moving ~*~ DK Raymer ~*~ candyminx ~*~ she ~*~ Norma ~*~ Sparky Duck ~*~ Laura ~*~ Erika ~*~ SciFiChick ~*~ Laughing Muse ~*~ Kim Priestap ~*~ Joy Renee ~*~ Stacy ~*~ Maggie ~*~ Tisha ~*~ elementaryhistoryteacher ~*~ Cheryl ~*~ Desert Songbird ~*~ Christine ~*~ Bond ~*~ Teena ~*~ Dawn ~*~ peppylady ~*~ Caylynn ~*~ Mert ~*~ Gina ~*~ Jenny Ryan ~*~ amy ~*~ Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants