Last post of 2010!

The last weeks I haven't been posting much. Don't worry, I'm still here! I've been busy with some major issues in my life. I won't beat around the bush... In a very sneaky way the eating disorder monster found its way back into my life. I hate to admit it, but it's true. Good news is I'm fighting back with all I've got! It is hard, but I'm more determined than ever to get rid of it once and for all...
Another big decision: I decided to try a life without anti depressants. They've helped me in the past and I'm glad they did. After I forgot them for a week (yes, really forgot!) and didn't even really notice it I decided to give it a go. So you see... major issues...

This morning I walked a labyrinth on a foggy beach and it was magical! The fog in my head is slowly clearing away. It will take some time until the ad remainders left my body completely. I asked some guidance in the labyrinth.The answer was clear enough: have faith! So that's my intention for 2011...

To all of you: blessings and all the best for 2011. May your best day of 2010 be your worst in 2011! :)

O what a day...

This morning I did a guest lesson for staff nurses about eating disorders. It's one of the things I do to help others with my experience. It was part of a special information day in a mental health care institution. I tell about my own experiences and discuss with the audience (this time nurses, but it can be any audience). When they are social workers I try to make them see that patients are individual persons that need an individual approach. They aren't cases that need to be treated according to protocol. Of course treatment protocols are necessary, but I try to make them think outside the box. I give them a view from the other side. As usual the response was positive, they were thankful for my input. I believe I gave them something to think about and that's exactly what I want to achieve.

When I wanted to go home afterwards I encountered a problem. A car had parked so stupidly that I couldn't get out of my space. I tried to get out by direction of someone that tried to help, but it couldn't be done. I was stuck between a lamppost, a tree and that car. The personnel was very kind and tried to help me in every way they could. I called Ron and he got the name of the owner through the car dealer. Unfortunately that wasn't someone known there. After two hours I called the police, but they said they couldn't help me as I was on private property. Eventually two people from the local parking management team came. They weren't allowed to tow away the car either, but they managed to get my car a few inches sideways with a drag-rope on my tow bar. That way I could finally drive away. After three hours I was on my way home. I was pissed and worn out, but thankful for the help and happy to go home at last. Quite the adventure...

End of the aftercare group

In August I started an aftercare group for people with an eating disorder with Chantal in Haarlem. Unfortunately we had to call it quits last Monday. The group we started with said goodbye one by one and we couldn't find enough new participants to keep the group going.. We did all we could think of to promote the group and to make it known, but the response wasn't enough.

In December we had 3 people. Then one of them stopped to get more intensive therapy. One other was very enthusistic, but after one cancellation we didn't hear from her again. I tried to contact her by mail, sms, phone... nothing! I really don't understand; I hope nothing serious happened.

And so we ended up with only one participant. When I contacted Chantal about it, she had more bad news. She has to stop because of health issues of her own. I know another woman that wants to step in, but into what...? The foundation of the group is gone. We could only pull the plug...

I feel disappointed. Everyone always says there aren't enough aftercare groups in our area, but when there is one there aren't enough participants. I know I did my best, but I'm sad about it nevertheless. It was the right decision to stop, but it feels wrong...

Busy busy bee

Wow, raising a puppy and training her to relieve herself outside is hard work! Last Wednesday we had the first time puppy-training with Arwen. It was a lot of playing and learning while playing, but it's a start. She met a lot of different dogs: big and small, nice and not-so-nice, etc. Yesterday she had her second vaccination. She grew 1.35 kilo (3 lbs) in 1 week, although she still has diarrhoea most of the time. She got tablets Panacur for that and we're trying to regulate it by keeping her on rice and chicken for the weekend. I think keeping clean will be easier when this problem is solved. But besides the problems and fatigue we're still very very happy that she's part of our family now! She's adorable, cute, playful... our sweetie pie!
You can see more pics of her in my Facebook album "Arwen".

Last Monday was the first meeting of the aftercare group in Haarlem. Chantal and I take turns to lead the group, I started. One woman had to cancel the group, because she couldn't find a proper babysitter (she has a child with special needs); she cancelled the night before. Another didn't show up and doesn't react at all. A third woman didn't show up, but had e-mailed about it very short before we met. With the other cancellations we only have 4 women in the group now instead of 11! The women know each other from the selfhelp group they did.
All in all it wasn't a nice way to start. I started with the announcements and info. After an introduction round we took a break. After the break we tried to make an inventory of subjects to talk about, things that are still difficult to deal with, etc. We talked, but the communication didn't go smoothly. It was a bit remote, stiff. Of course this was the first time, but I noticed it made me very insecure. I was asking myself what I did wrong. Looking back I would say I didn't do anything wrong, but still... Ah well, we won't give up, it will get better!

Aftercare group

In 2005 I did the training to be able to lead a self-help or aftercare group for people with an eating disorder. With the help of a professional health care institution and other volunteers I tried to set up a group. A self-help group started, but the aftercare for people who had Binge Eating Disorder (BED) didn't get enough participants. After a few years we decided to leave it for a while. Some weeks ago I was approached to lead a general (all eating disorders) aftercare group. I didn't have to think long! And now we are preparing to start next Monday!

I'll do the group with Chantal. We already have enough participants, because most of the self-help group wants to do an aftercare group together. With a few others the group is ready! I'm really looking forward to do this. It's a bit exciting too, I'm nervous but in a good way. There are still some things to do, but that will be okay. We'll meet fortnightly on Monday evenings from 7 till 9 PM in Haarlem.

The new me

Accepting myself and especially my body has been an issue in my life for as long as I can remember. The depressions and eating disorders had their roots in the same issue, although there was more. Over the years I’ve tried to deal with it, not always equally successful, but I did the best I could. Everything I did, helped in some way or another, less or more. In therapy I learned a lot. Step by step I got further on my path to be friends with my body. I dealt with the problems I had, but somehow the body-issue didn’t really change. I had a distorted body image, couldn’t look in de mirror without condemning what I saw, was convinced I was ugly, couldn’t understand why people liked me, and so on…

When I started being active with “witchy stuff’, the issue kept coming back in meditations, journeys. Being a witch has a lot to do with honouring yourself and your body. Before you are able to honour, you have to accept. Again, step by step I learned. Don’t get me wrong, witchcraft isn’t therapy!! It is very personal though; self-discovery, self-knowledge is an important part of it. In therapy I laid the foundations, but it couldn’t do more for me. My spiritual path brought me closer to dealing with the issue.

The last few years it got more intensive. I had little and big ‘breakthroughs’. My first full-body massage was scary to plan, but it felt great and I surprised myself: I could enjoy it! Another milestone was the Shadow Workshop with Phyllis Curott. It was heavy stuff and hard work, but very rewarding! I really took a major step in dealing with the ugly-me-monster. A simple (though not easy...) exercise turned out to be a big boost into the right direction. For the first time I believed I could beat the monster.

The last few months I was aware of a change in myself. I couldn’t name it, but I felt it was very important. I didn’t push a button, it was a long process that hasn’t completely finished yet. I recognised signs, behaviour in myself that held the promise of significant change. I couldn’t share it yet, couldn’t even put it into words. Last week I figured it out, the volcano inside erupted and strange new feelings emerged to the surface. I’m not going to torture myself any longer, I’m no longer putting my life on hold “until I loose the extra weight”. My life is now, with the body I have. I may not like everything about it, but hey… it’s me! It has always supported me, worked with me, even when I was torturing it in ways I can’t even imagine now. I may be overweight, but that doesn’t mean I’m ugly. O yes, I still would like to shed a few pounds or more, but if it doesn’t happen it’s not the end of the world. I’m okay the way I am now, my body is worth caring for!

So… I’m breaking new ground. It still feels strange and scary at times, but most of the time the positive feelings prevail. A brand new world reveals itself to me. I enjoy it fully, but I also keep my feet on the ground. It won’t always be easy, I’ll fall from time to time. But this regained freedom is something I don’t want to give up anymore. You know… I’m so proud of myself!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Last Friday I did a shamanic journey. I planned to ask Bagheera (my black panther totem) for guidance in this new situation. I walked towards my tree, very slowly, leaving stress and other distracting things behind me. I sat against the tree for a while, then I rolled backwards into it until I stood. The way down was spiralling. Lately I see a lot of spirals in dreams, meditations etc.
Bagheera was waiting for me. I hugged her, we played. She made me feel very welcome and special. When I asked her to help me, she brought me to a beautiful cave with high arches, lit by torches and candles. We stopped in front of a beautiful wooden door. When I opened it, I was back in the Shadow Workshop, just before the merging of the 'sacred me' and my shadows ('the wicked witch' and the 'perfect me'). We made a circle of four, holding hands. I felt the energy moving. We walked around, first slowly then faster and faster. In the middle of our circle formed a vortex. The others led me into it. They kept running around me and at the highest point of energy they joined me in the vortex. It was as if we stood in the eye of a tornado, but it wasn’t scary, on the contrary. I took the time and enjoyed the merging. I raised my arms high and felt happy, positive. When I wanted to step outside, it went very slow. It felt like hands were pulling me back, but not compulsory. I knew I was strong enough to get out, but did it gently. Outside Bagheera explained it was like the moon’s phases. At this moment it’s waning: I’m letting go of old routines. The new moon will be a pause. The waxing moon will make the new routines mine. With full moon the cycle will be complete.
When I walked back along the beach with Bagheera, she gave me some additional tips. I went up the tree and sat down for a while to let all of it sink in. When I was back in my room, I wrote everything down.

Hard times

Does it ever get any better?

Or will I feel this way the rest of my life?

I just can't get it together

Now and then I'm losing my mind

Those lyrics from "All My Life" by the Dutch band Krezip have haunted me the last few weeks. I like the song and it's about something completely different, but these sentences exactly describe how I felt. Hmm, I'm typing "felt", not "feel"; that's a positive thing. The thing is... I'm in a depression again. I've tried to deny it to others and myself. Ostrich policy, because all the signs were there very clearly. Last week my best friend confronted me and I answered honestly. There, I had said it! It was still a shock to hear myself admit it, but I couldn't deny it any longer. I told Ron and the days after that it was like I only sank further. Yesterday I was at my absolute low, horrible. I even needed tranquillizers to make it through the day.
This morning we had an appointment with the psychiatrist. It had been 3 weeks, because she had the flu first and then a vacation. That was too long without help for both of us. We had a good talk with her and agreed something had to been done. No use burying my head in the sand, time to face facts. Thursday we'll both have an appointment with her, but seperate. We'll see what that brings. The talk today made me feel better. Afterwards Ron and I really talked about it. The only good thing about his depression is that he now knows how I feel. That doesn't make it easier to deal with it, but it helps to understand at least. It's so hard to explain a depression to someone who has no clue how it feels. In Rons arms I finally cried the tears that had been so close for so long. We decided to make a new start again. Together we're strong. There's light at the end of the tunnel; no matter how far, it's there and we'll get to it. Not today, but we're making the effort again. Thank Goddess...

New start

The new year helped me to make a new start in eating. I finally succeeded in breaching the vicious circle, the binging... It is hard, very hard. I'm glad I did it though, it was about time to get a grip on myself!
I stepped on the scales last week, I'm back to 100++ kg... I expected that, I knew before I saw the figures. I can't blame anyone but myself. I don't want to linger on blaming myself. I know it so well and it doesn't work.
This new start is different new start than others in the past. I'm not setting any unreachable goals, I don't stop eating, I'm not putting myself on a killer diet. This time I'm doing it the right way. Start eating normally, change habits, stop fooling myself. So far it's going okay. Not perfect, but okay. That's good enough.
Last Thursday I went with Ron to his psychiatrist. She's good. I talked freely and told her about my feelings. She knows enough about eating disorders not to make the classic therapist mistakes, what a relief! She was honest enough to say that she doesn't know whether she can help me. That's fine. If she's willing to give it a try, so am I. This thursday is the next appointment.

Crisis

Okay, perhaps the title is a bit overdone, but I don't feel at my best (hmm, that's under-done...).
Today I had an appointment with my internist. I knew he would want to check my weight. The fact is I hadn't been on the scales for ages. The last months the stress and fatigue increased and my depression deepened. Normally I would be able to handle the stress but the combination made me lose control. That has two possible results in my case: overeating or not eating. This time it was the first... I can't get a grip on it and I hate it. I know eactly what I have to do, but I can't. I try again and again but without success, on the contrary...

I didn't want to weigh myself in the hospital, so I decided to step on the scales this morning. I knew it wouldn't be good, but it was even worse. All the weight I have lost this year is back on... Of course I've seen it before and felt it for a long time, but the confrontation with the figure on the display always does it big time...

Ron has discussed my problems with his psychiatrist. Of course it affects him too and she has experience with people with eating disorders. In January I will go with Ron to two of his appointments with her. She wants to see whether she can help me. I'm willing to try, but I can't imagine to hear something I don't already know after all the therapy and help I've had. We'll see; it's obvious I need something to overcome this relapse...

As for my appointment with the doctor... My bloodpressure was 150/100, same as with the last check-up. No change in medicine there. The internist wants to reduce the Thyrax, because my thyroid values are a bit high. They have been for some time, but last time I took less Thyrax my weight went sky-high again. Still he wants to try again. Yay, just what I need right now...

Working with experience

In the beginning of this year I did a course on "Working with your own experience". Last month the course leaders called me to ask whether I wanted to be a guest speaker in the new course. I was surprised but very honoured to be invited. I gladly accepted!

Yesterday afternoon I reported for duty! ;-) I was a bit nervous, because I didn't have time for a proper preparation. The group was smaller than ours, but all very nice people. After an introduction I started to tell my story. Different from my story at the information meetings about eating disorders though, because this was a different audience. I told a more detailed story about my life and my problems with eating disorders and depression. Then I told about the work I do with my experience. The group was very interested.
After a short break I answered questions for quite some time. I also got a lot of compliments for the way I presented myself and my story. They said I made a strong impression and my story was very clear. A real boost for my ego! :-)

Sometimes I'm surprised (but proud) that the girl who was terrified of talking in public is now doing it with just some healthy tension and even enjoys it!

BED meeting

Today was the second information meeting about eating disorders. This time it took place in Haarlem, in Het Dolhuys (museum of psychiatry). There were six applications, but the attendance was small again. I won't say BED is a taboo anymore, but the subject is still sensitive I guess. All the more brave of the people that did come!
My story was a bit different from last week, but that's okay. I don't want it to be recited, always the same. After I finished the questions came. I think it was a good afternoon and well-spent. I hope it meant something for the visitors too.

Eating Disorders Day

Today is the National Day of the Mental Health Care. It's a yearly thing with a theme. This year the theme is "Gevangen In Gewicht" (Caught In Weight): eating disorders. There are all kinds of events, meetings, lectures etc. throughout the country. I have been asked to tell my personal story in 3 information meetings in October in Hoofddorp (today), Haarlem (Oct. 17) and Amstelveen (Oct. 23).

So today was the first meeting in Hoofddorp. The target group was people with binge eating disorder, but of course they could bring someone else with them. Unfortunately a lot of people who had said they would come had to cancel because they fell ill. All around me I hear about people with the flu or something like that. Maybe they were all ill, but it could well be some of them got cold feet. I can certainly understand that from my own experience. The meetings are easily accessible, but a person can put up his or her own barriers...

Anyhow, the attendance wasn't very large, but it was a good meeting nevertheless. I did my story and it went well. I had made a rough outline of what I wanted to tell, just some words to guide me. That works best for me. The questions came naturally during and after my story, the interaction felt good. The time went by very quickly. It was good to do, for the "public", but also for me!

Shock therapy in advertising?

This week Italian womenswear brand Nolita has caused a lot of commotion with their new and controversial campaign. The photographs of 27-year-old emaciated anorexia patient Isabelle Caro (a French actress) bear the legend 'No Anorexia'. You can see it here (Flash needed). The pictures were shot by the Italian photographer Oliviero Toscani, who in 1992 photographed a man dying of AIDS for a Benetton campaign. It's no coincidence the campaign is coinciding with the Milan Fashion Week. The size zero debate is very much alive!

Caro herself does not blame the fashion industry for her disease, from which she began to suffer at the age of 13, owing to a difficult childhood. She seems sincere in her hope that allowing her emaciated naked body to go on public display will help dispel any "romantic" ideas young girls might have about the condition. She writes a blog about her illness and says: "I've hidden myself and covered myself for too long. Now I want to show myself fearlessly, even though I know my body arouses repugnance. I want to recover because I love life and the riches of the universe. I want to show young people how dangerous this illness is."

The Nolita campaign has received backing from the Italian Ministry of Health. From the point of view of Italian health minister Livia Turco such publicity is a good thing. "The disturbing image of Isabelle Caro could open an original channel for communication and encourage people to shoulder their responsibilities in the area of anorexia," she said.

The reactions are reaching from positive to negative and everything in between. I have very mixed feelings about it. I'm not shocked by seeing the pictures, I've seen it in real life often enough. I am very glad though that I don't think it's beautiful or something to strive for anymore!!
For a lot of anorexia patients these kind of pics are nothing new also. They are displayed on every pro-ana site to glorify the "anorexic lifestyle". On the other hand seeing them in the streets on huge billboards and 2-page display in newspapers might be different from glancing at them in the privacy of their own home. I've been thinking what my own reaction would have been in my anorexic days, but I'm not sure. Sometimes shock therapy like this is the only thing that can cause a change or even revolution in behaviour and thinking.
I don't know...

What do you think??

Regrets, decisions, pride

Turtleheart tagged me for a new meme Nio at Solidly Average started. It’s about moments we regret, decisions we’ve made, and moments of pride.

Here are the rules:

1. Having children/getting married doesn’t count, nor do their accomplishments/non-accomplishments. This is about *you* and *your* choices, not about your children, nor your spouse.
2. Link back to this post
3. Be honest

REGRETS
"Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention..."
Of course I have (had) regrets, but at the moment of decision I did what I thought best. Sometimes that turns out to be wrong. I accept that (and admit it) and try to move on. Regrets are too late most of the time. If I can do something to make it up, I'll try though.
Having said that... I regret the pain, worries and troubles I caused for Ron, my family and friends. I don't feel guilty anymore, but I still regret it. I've told them, it's okay.


DECISIONS
"You gotta do it gotta do it gotta do it all alone
No one else will do it for you
You're on your own
Do it"
After years of having eating disorders and trying every treatment in the book, I tried to accept the fact that I'd be chronically eating disordered for the rest of my life. It was a very depressing period. Then suddenly one day I said: "NO!! I don't want it to be chronical! I'm going to do something about it, now!" It cost me blood, sweat and (many) tears, but it was the best decision I ever made for myself. I've always had support around me, but this was something I had to figure out all by myself. It still took me some time to get there, but I did it!


PRIDE
"And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive"
I'm proud of my overall positive outlook on life. I'm a survivor, I'm strong. In everything I try to see something positive. It seems like a contradiction: I'm using anti-depressants, but in my heart I'm an optimist. All the troubles and difficulties I have encountered and still do, somewhere deep within I know I'll be allright. That has helped me through very hard times and ordeals. It helps me to cope with my health problems too.


Normally I don't tag specific persons, but I'll make an exception this time.
I'd like to read the regrets, decisions & pride of:

• Lucienne, in your Dutch and/or your English blog
• Evelien, in your Dutch and/or your English blog
• The 2 Witches, you can decide which one of you takes the challenge (or both!)

TT #52: Binge Eating Disorder

Thirteen things about Binge Eating Disorder (BED) Yesterday I told my story about eating disorders in a follow-up meeting of a group of women who have been suffering from Binge Eating Disorder. It strikes me how much incomprehension people with BED still encounter. Anorexia and bulimia are mostly recognized, but often people with BED are condemned and told "they should just eat less and all will be okay"... How much do you know about BED? Most of us overeat from time to time, and some of us often feel we have eaten more than we should have. Eating a lot of food does not necessarily mean that you have binge eating disorder though! People with binge eating disorder frequently consume an unusually large amount of food during a short period of time (a limited period, usually less than two hours) and feel out of control during the binges (i.e. the feeling that one cannot stop eating). People with binge eating disorder also may eat more quickly than usual during binge episodes, eat until they are uncomfortably full, eat when they are not physically hungry, eat alone because of embarrassment and feel disgusted, depressed, or guilty after binging. People with BED do not show inappropriate compensatory behaviour like purging, excessive exercise, lengthy fasting and/or abuse of laxatives. Serious medical conditions can be a consequence of BED: obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, kidney disease and/or failure, gallbladder disease, arthritis, bone deterioration, stroke or other heart problems, upper respiratory problems, skin disorders, menstrual irregularities, ovarian abnormalities, complications of pregnancy, depression /anxiety and other mood disorders, suicidal thoughts and substance abuse. Social consequences are common. People with BED are extremely distressed by their binge eating. Most have tried to control it on their own but have not succeeded for very long. Some people miss work, school, or social activities to binge eat. Obese people with binge eating disorder often feel bad about themselves, are preoccupied with their appearance, and may avoid social gatherings. Most feel ashamed and try to hide their problem. Often they are so successful that close family members and friends don't know they binge eat. Studies have found that people with BED may find it harder than other people to continue in weight loss treatment. In addition, they may be more likely to regain weight quickly. These are some of the reasons that people with BED may require treatment that focuses on their binge eating before they try to lose weight. Further, even those who are not overweight are frequently distressed by their binge eating and may benefit from treatment. There are several methods currently used to treat BED: a. Cognitive-behavioural therapy: Method in which the client is taught techniques to monitor and change their eating habits, as well as to change the way they respond to difficult and stressful situations. b. Interpersonal psychotherapy: Method in which the client is taught to examine their relationships with friends and family and to make changes in problem areas. c. Medications: Antidepressants may be helpful for some individuals. d. Self-help groups: These groups may be a good additional source of support for many. Research is still trying to attempting to determine which method or combination of methods is the most effective in controlling BED. Although it has only recently been recognized as a distinct condition, binge eating disorder is probably the most common eating disorder. Most people with BED are obese (more than 20 percent above a healthy body weight), but normal-weight people also can be affected. Obese people with binge eating disorder often became overweight at a younger age than those without the disorder. They also may have more frequent episodes of losing and regaining weight (yo-yo dieting). Binge eating disorder affects women slightly more often than men; estimates indicate that about 60% of people struggling with binge eating disorder are female, 40% are male. BED is often confused with Compulsive Overeating. It is not exactly the same though. CO is more like eating too much during the day, not necessarily in binges but spread and eaten more steady and calm. No one knows for sure what causes BED. As many as half of all people with binge eating disorder are depressed or have been depressed in the past. Whether depression causes binge eating disorder or whether binge eating disorder causes depression is not known. It is also unclear if dieting and binge eating are related. Some people binge eat after dieting. Dieting here means skipping meals, not eating enough food each day, or avoiding certain kinds of food. These are unhealthy ways to try to change your body shape and weight. Studies suggest that people with binge eating may have trouble handling some of their emotions. Many people who are binge eaters say that being angry, sad, bored, worried, or stressed can cause them to binge eat. Researchers are looking into how brain chemicals and metabolism (the way the body uses calories) affect BED. Other research suggests that genes may be involved in binge eating, since the disorder often occurs in several members of the same family. This research is still in the early stages though. If you think you might have binge eating disorder, it is important to know that you are not alone. Most people who have the disorder have tried but failed to control it on their own. You may want to get professional help. Talk to your health care provider about the type of help that may be best for you. The good news is that most people do well in treatment and can overcome binge eating for good! sources: SABN (Dutch foundation of Eating Disorders), ED Referral, WomensHealth.gov, Weight-control Information Network, Healthier You ~*~*~*~ Links to other Thursday Thirteens! ~*~ Sue ~*~ Susan Helene ~*~ Toni ~*~ Christine d'Abo ~*~ WendyWings ~*~ Shannon ~*~ Mark ~*~ Lara Angelina ~*~ Lori ~*~ DK ~*~ Tempest Knight ~*~ Wylie Kinson ~*~ Midas ~*~ Starrlight ~*~ The Gal Herself ~*~ Samulli ~*~ Daisy the Curly Cat ~*~ Xakara ~*~ Gattina ~*~ Barbara ~*~ Robin ~*~ Grace ~*~ Joely Sue ~*~ Debbie ~*~ MissMeliss ~*~ Kris ~*~ scooper ~*~ Jeremy ~*~ Ed ~*~ Bee ~*~ Gabriella ~*~ N.J. Walters ~*~ Daisy Dexter Dobbs ~*~ Darla ~*~ L^2 ~*~ Missy ~*~ Luka ~*~ Mitch ~*~ Candy Minx ~*~ Chelle Y. ~*~ Born2Cree8 ~*~ Dorothy ~*~ Thomma Lyn ~*~ Kuanyin ~*~ colleen ~*~ Lesley ~*~ Ann ~*~ Travis ~*~ Rhian / Crowwoman ~*~ tanabata ~*~ Callista ~*~ Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Tagged... passions or obsessions?

Selena Kitt tagged me to confess 5 things I'm obsessed with. I must say that I don't like the word obsessed though. It sounds as if everything revolves around those obsessions. It sounds negative. They are sometimes, but I'd rather make it a list of my 5 passions and obsessions.
Well, let me see...

• an easy and well-known one to start with: I'm Robsessed. *LOL* Explanation for first-time-visitors (otherwise you would have known for sure): I love Robbie Williams and his music. Robsessed in a good way: I don't idolize him, I don't believe in blind adoration. I like to act as if I do, just to tease some people. ;-)



• a very old one: food! I wish I could say I have a normal relationship with food, but that wouldn't be true... Food will never be just food for me. Even though I don't always act on my thoughts anymore (thank goodness!), the "bad" thoughts are still there.



• also very old, tied to #2 and soooo difficult to get rid of: my body image. I know I have a distorted body image. It's a "relic" from my eating disorders. I try to fight it, but fail so many times... At times I detest my body. I avoid seeing it in a mirror. I believe people when they say I look okay, but I don't see it myself.



• time for a positive one: nature and animal protection. I love all creatures great and small. I loathe maltreatment, abuse, hunting, etc. etc. Like children animals are vulnerable, can't tell what they feel. Or as The Carpenters sang: they have no voice.



• more passion than obsession: witchy stuff! No hobby but my lifestyle, religion or whatever name you give it, it's me. Still I'm sensible, not at all woolly or free-floathing. My feet are solidly on the ground. :-)

I should tag 5 people to make a list like this, but I don't want anyone to feel compelled. So if you'd like to do it: feel free! Leave a link in your comment so I can come and read yours!

TT #24: in my past

Thirteen things from my past Yes, that's me in the header; taken in 1976! Get to know me a bit better by reading about the past. Here is a random selection of things that made me into the person I am today. In the first class (when I was 6) I wore glasses with one eye covered. I have a lazy eye, but the glasses didn't work. I hated them and they were hideous too. I have one picture of me wearing them, but that's still packed somewhere. My brother Gerard and I had a love-hate relationship during the time we both lived with our parents. He is 6 years older and we argued all the time. Very harsh sometimes, but when one of us was away we missed the other terribly. And when something happened to me, he stood up for me like my "big brother"; don't touch his little sis! We drove mum and dad crazy. I have been a majorette for more than 10 years. I loved twirling and was very good in it. I also was the instructor for the younger group. And... I met Ron there, who played drums in the drumband! I liked school very much. I have always been the best of the class with high marks without too much effort. That made me proud but it also caused a lot of stress for me, because I didn't want to "fail". The perfectionist in me prevailed. When I was a child, I often came home with wounded birds and other little animals. I even got angry when my mum killed a fly or ant. Needless to say I still love animals that much, all animals! I remember playing in our street when I was about 3. Suddenly a car (a Beetle) appeared and hit me, but stopped just in time. The image that remains is that I'm lying on the ground watching the bumper of the beetle. I wasn't hurt, just had a few scratches. I was a father's child. He could answer all my questions (and I asked a lot!) and when he couldn't he helped me find the answer elsewhere. Later he was waiting for me after school with a cup of tea. He knew perfectly when to ask further and when to be silent. We watched sports together, discussed just about everything and made cryptograms together. I also loved my mother very much, but with her I did other things: shopping, visits, etc. We were both early birds and in the morning she often helped me with my homework. She pronounced the words exactly as they were written. Her pronunciation of French, English and German sounded hilarious and we laughed about it a lot. But it worked and I always knew how to write the words! When my sister Joke was 18 (and I was 8) she moved out to live together with Leo. I often stayed with them for the weekend, first in Beverwijk, later in Haarlem. I always enjoyed myself very much. My mum and dad didn't have their license, so Leo's car was the first in our family. When they got married in 1980 I was bridesmaid. I've had issues with food and my weight for as long as I can remember. I can't say exactly when it became an eating-disorder. I have had anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating disorder and mixtures of them. I've been obese, skinny and everything in between. I've been addicted to laxatives. I tried all kinds of self-help and therapies. Finally, when I was 32, the breakthrough came when I checked myself into a specialized clinic in Amsterdam. I never say I'm cured, but I can handle it and know what to do when I'm going the wrong way. When I was a teenager I looked older than I really was. I often had older friends. My boyfriends were always older. I had more, but before Ron I only had a few serious relationships. I got engaged with Arie, my dancing partner. We were together for two to three years, but he cheated on me with (what I thought was) a friend. I was devastated. When I was 13 or 14 I was raped. Horrible, but I've had great help. I'll never forget it, but I have given it a place. Unfortunately the perpetrators have never been caught. About a year later I lost my real virginity to a very special friend in a wonderful and loving way. He knew about the rape and made me feel very special. After school I wanted to go to university to study English and/or Dutch, but that wasn't possible financially. I decided to step in my father's footsteps. He was a book-keeper/accountant. I started to work 4 days (for KPMG) and go to school 1 day to become a registered accountant. I loved the work. Unfortunately a few years into it I had to stop because of my depression and eating-disorders. ~*~*~*~ Links to other Thursday Thirteens! ~*~ Bond ~*~ Laura ~*~ JohnH985 ~*~ Nadiah Alwi ~*~ Retta ~*~ Caylynn ~*~ Friday's Child ~*~ Thomma Lyn ~*~ Lexa Roséan ~*~ Daisy ~*~ Darla ~*~ Turnbaby ~*~ Silver ~*~ Raggedy ~*~ Gattina ~*~ Wylie Kinson ~*~ Gina ~*~ Christine ~*~ Chelle Y. ~*~ Angela ~*~ Susan Helene ~*~ Rose ~*~ Debby ~*~ Starrlight ~*~ Uisce ~*~ superstar ~*~ Sueann ~*~ Miss Pink ~*~ Amy Ruttan ~*~ Laurence ~*~ Sparky Duck ~*~ Joy Renee ~*~ Nathalie ~*~ Judy Callarman ~*~ Marcia ~*~ Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! 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Things

Yesterday I had a meeting about the aftercare self-help groups for people with eating disorders in Haarlem. One group is already starting, the second is ready and waiting for participants. The third group (for binge eating disorder) is the one I'm going to do, but my fellow leader hasn't been very active since we started. I e-mailed several times until I finally heard something. She said she was still very committed, but since then (again several e-mails later) I heard nothing and she didn't show up at the meeting. I'm beginning to lose faith to work with her and have told that in the meeting. She will be contacted and in the meantime we'll try to find someone else, just in case. I still want to do this group very much!

This morning I had an appointment with the internist. He is very content about how the sarcoidosis is doing. I can walk and use my joints almost like before, yay! He still is concerned though, mainly about my high blood pressure. My diastolic pressure is between 110 and 130, the systolic pressure is 170 to 190. He doesn't want me to drink flavoured teas to see if they contribute to it. He also wants me to do a longfunction test before my next appointment (in two weeks). In addition I had blood taken again and I had to deliver some urine to be tested. It all frightened and disappointed me a bit. I really thought this would be my last appointment for a while, because the sarcoidosis seems to be under control. I know it's good the internist is getting everything checked, in fact I'm glad he does. But still... will it ever stop? Will I ever be healthy again..? I really think I've had enough!

After the visit to the hospital we went shopping in Haarlem. I wanted to buy a new daily planner for 2007, the same I have for this year. The store that had it last year, didn't sell it this year. Now I'll have to go to Amsterdam. I was disappointed again. I had already been putting off buying a planner; it's difficult, because my mum always bought me one for my birthday... I'm thinking a lot about mum, only seems to become more and more. Sinterklaas (a Dutch holiday) is coming and mum always gave me my first chocolate letter. Now I see them in the shops and I just can't get myself to buy one... All this and other things are so making me not look forward to the holidays. I've been sad all day and I've cried a lot. I'm having a headache and slept a few hours during the day. Ron is so sweet, so patient and so loving trying to comfort me. I appreciate it and love him for it, but some pain just doesn't go away. It helps a bit to let it out though. I'm going to bed now and hopefully sleep. Perhaps I'll dream of mum and dad...

Putting experience to good use

I've had eating disorders for over 20 years. Anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating disorder (BED), abuse of laxatives, vomitting... Quite a list, but I can sum it up in one word: hell! I've tried all kinds of help with various effects. I'll spare you the details. About 5 years ago I found the turning point in myself and the following treatment did the rest. I never say I'm completely recovered, because eating will always be a weak point for me. But I've learned how to deal with it. I'm still not happy with my body, but I accept and respect it. I don't want to abuse or bring harm to it the way(s) I did in the past.
Some months ago I was thinking about all of this and decided to put my experiences to good use. On the website of the SABN (Dutch foundation for eating disorders) I read they were looking for 'experience-experts' to lead a self-help group for people with an eating disorder. Yesterday I finished the two-day training for it. It was very intensive, but I learned a lot. I know I'll still make mistakes, but everyone does. I got some tips to start a group in Haarlem with the help of a professional health care institution; that would be great. I'm excited and a bit scared, but it'll work out one way or another!