Friday, November 24, 2006


Yesterday I had a meeting about the aftercare self-help groups for people with eating disorders in Haarlem. One group is already starting, the second is ready and waiting for participants. The third group (for binge eating disorder) is the one I'm going to do, but my fellow leader hasn't been very active since we started. I e-mailed several times until I finally heard something. She said she was still very committed, but since then (again several e-mails later) I heard nothing and she didn't show up at the meeting. I'm beginning to lose faith to work with her and have told that in the meeting. She will be contacted and in the meantime we'll try to find someone else, just in case. I still want to do this group very much!

This morning I had an appointment with the internist. He is very content about how the sarcoidosis is doing. I can walk and use my joints almost like before, yay! He still is concerned though, mainly about my high blood pressure. My diastolic pressure is between 110 and 130, the systolic pressure is 170 to 190. He doesn't want me to drink flavoured teas to see if they contribute to it. He also wants me to do a longfunction test before my next appointment (in two weeks). In addition I had blood taken again and I had to deliver some urine to be tested. It all frightened and disappointed me a bit. I really thought this would be my last appointment for a while, because the sarcoidosis seems to be under control. I know it's good the internist is getting everything checked, in fact I'm glad he does. But still... will it ever stop? Will I ever be healthy again..? I really think I've had enough!

After the visit to the hospital we went shopping in Haarlem. I wanted to buy a new daily planner for 2007, the same I have for this year. The store that had it last year, didn't sell it this year. Now I'll have to go to Amsterdam. I was disappointed again. I had already been putting off buying a planner; it's difficult, because my mum always bought me one for my birthday... I'm thinking a lot about mum, only seems to become more and more. Sinterklaas (a Dutch holiday) is coming and mum always gave me my first chocolate letter. Now I see them in the shops and I just can't get myself to buy one... All this and other things are so making me not look forward to the holidays. I've been sad all day and I've cried a lot. I'm having a headache and slept a few hours during the day. Ron is so sweet, so patient and so loving trying to comfort me. I appreciate it and love him for it, but some pain just doesn't go away. It helps a bit to let it out though. I'm going to bed now and hopefully sleep. Perhaps I'll dream of mum and dad...


  1. My Mother still buys me a chocolate letter. I know the first year she doesn't will be a sad year indeed. Hugs to you and thank you for stopping by my blog.
    I too am Dutch (actually first generation American but both my parents are from Holland)

  2. My sister told me she's sending me my chocolate letter -- yeah! I haven't received one in many years.

  3. Tink--What is a chocolate letter? I've never heard of that.

    Holidays are hard times when we miss someone.

  4. We have chocolate letters in our family too(my grandmother was Daish and Norwegian, maybe that is why)

    I am sorry you feel so blue. Try to remember that your mum wouldn't want you to be immobilized by sorrow and loss. Try to focus on the love you felt and safety and protection...and maybe you are feeling a kind of survivors guilt because you are still living.

    It is an honour to your parents to be happy. This is true for all people, even if their parents were kind and loving or not so caregiving. It is our duty to be positive and allow their love and relationship to shine through us still all the time.

    You sound like you have a great partner too, giving you much support.

    Now, you will carry on the traditions of a warm loving winter holiday season. This is what we must all do, when we believe. We have many ancestors who would want us to, parents, goddesses, dieties and the spirit world.

    Please feel better and find the place inside you to enjoy your day and heal from your loss.

    Thinking of you, and I can tell you are a really cool person even just from your blog!

    Take care

  5. hee tink, ik heb niet veel tijd nu, maar ik wil je een hele dikke knuffel geven, veel sterkte.


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