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Monday, March 10, 2008

Hard times

Does it ever get any better?
Or will I feel this way the rest of my life?
I just can't get it together
Now and then I'm losing my mind

Those lyrics from "All My Life" by the Dutch band Krezip have haunted me the last few weeks. I like the song and it's about something completely different, but these sentences exactly describe how I felt. Hmm, I'm typing "felt", not "feel"; that's a positive thing. The thing is... I'm in a depression again. I've tried to deny it to others and myself. Ostrich policy, because all the signs were there very clearly. Last week my best friend confronted me and I answered honestly. There, I had said it! It was still a shock to hear myself admit it, but I couldn't deny it any longer. I told Ron and the days after that it was like I only sank further. Yesterday I was at my absolute low, horrible. I even needed tranquillizers to make it through the day.
This morning we had an appointment with the psychiatrist. It had been 3 weeks, because she had the flu first and then a vacation. That was too long without help for both of us. We had a good talk with her and agreed something had to been done. No use burying my head in the sand, time to face facts. Thursday we'll both have an appointment with her, but seperate. We'll see what that brings. The talk today made me feel better. Afterwards Ron and I really talked about it. The only good thing about his depression is that he now knows how I feel. That doesn't make it easier to deal with it, but it helps to understand at least. It's so hard to explain a depression to someone who has no clue how it feels. In Rons arms I finally cried the tears that had been so close for so long. We decided to make a new start again. Together we're strong. There's light at the end of the tunnel; no matter how far, it's there and we'll get to it. Not today, but we're making the effort again. Thank Goddess...

3 comments:

  1. And remember always, the two of you, that you've got friends to count on.. Ill help you both, to the end of the tunnel, with an express train in the good direction! Keep faith, and... you can always call me, and the door in The Hague is always open for both of you!

    Wonder!

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  2. Thinking off you! We are just seeing a bit of light in the tunnel again, so I totally sympathise. You're lucky, like I am, that you are together in this and you'll get out again. Love and light from Oz!

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  3. Tink, sorry to hear you are struggling with depression right now. It is a sneaky beast, isn't it? I struggle with chronic depression myself. I'm glad to hear Ron understands and that you are taking steps that will help turn things around. I will keep you in my thoughts!

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Love, Tink