Accepting myself and especially my body has been an issue in my life for as long as I can remember. The depressions and eating disorders had their roots in the same issue, although there was more. Over the years I’ve tried to deal with it, not always equally successful, but I did the best I could. Everything I did, helped in some way or another, less or more. In therapy I learned a lot. Step by step I got further on my path to be friends with my body. I dealt with the problems I had, but somehow the body-issue didn’t really change. I had a distorted body image, couldn’t look in de mirror without condemning what I saw, was convinced I was ugly, couldn’t understand why people liked me, and so on…
When I started being active with “witchy stuff’, the issue kept coming back in meditations, journeys. Being a witch has a lot to do with honouring yourself and your body. Before you are able to honour, you have to accept. Again, step by step I learned. Don’t get me wrong, witchcraft isn’t therapy!! It is very personal though; self-discovery, self-knowledge is an important part of it. In therapy I laid the foundations, but it couldn’t do more for me. My spiritual path brought me closer to dealing with the issue.
The last few years it got more intensive. I had little and big ‘breakthroughs’. My first full-body massage was scary to plan, but it felt great and I surprised myself: I could enjoy it! Another milestone was the Shadow Workshop with Phyllis Curott. It was heavy stuff and hard work, but very rewarding! I really took a major step in dealing with the ugly-me-monster. A simple (though not easy...) exercise turned out to be a big boost into the right direction. For the first time I believed I could beat the monster.
The last few months I was aware of a change in myself. I couldn’t name it, but I felt it was very important. I didn’t push a button, it was a long process that hasn’t completely finished yet. I recognised signs, behaviour in myself that held the promise of significant change. I couldn’t share it yet, couldn’t even put it into words. Last week I figured it out, the volcano inside erupted and strange new feelings emerged to the surface. I’m not going to torture myself any longer, I’m no longer putting my life on hold “until I loose the extra weight”. My life is now, with the body I have. I may not like everything about it, but hey… it’s me! It has always supported me, worked with me, even when I was torturing it in ways I can’t even imagine now. I may be overweight, but that doesn’t mean I’m ugly. O yes, I still would like to shed a few pounds or more, but if it doesn’t happen it’s not the end of the world. I’m okay the way I am now, my body is worth caring for!
So… I’m breaking new ground. It still feels strange and scary at times, but most of the time the positive feelings prevail. A brand new world reveals itself to me. I enjoy it fully, but I also keep my feet on the ground. It won’t always be easy, I’ll fall from time to time. But this regained freedom is something I don’t want to give up anymore. You know… I’m so proud of myself!
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Last Friday I did a shamanic journey. I planned to ask Bagheera (my black panther totem) for guidance in this new situation. I walked towards my tree, very slowly, leaving stress and other distracting things behind me. I sat against the tree for a while, then I rolled backwards into it until I stood. The way down was spiralling. Lately I see a lot of spirals in dreams, meditations etc.
Bagheera was waiting for me. I hugged her, we played. She made me feel very welcome and special. When I asked her to help me, she brought me to a beautiful cave with high arches, lit by torches and candles. We stopped in front of a beautiful wooden door. When I opened it, I was back in the Shadow Workshop, just before the merging of the 'sacred me' and my shadows ('the wicked witch' and the 'perfect me'). We made a circle of four, holding hands. I felt the energy moving. We walked around, first slowly then faster and faster. In the middle of our circle formed a vortex. The others led me into it. They kept running around me and at the highest point of energy they joined me in the vortex. It was as if we stood in the eye of a tornado, but it wasn’t scary, on the contrary. I took the time and enjoyed the merging. I raised my arms high and felt happy, positive. When I wanted to step outside, it went very slow. It felt like hands were pulling me back, but not compulsory. I knew I was strong enough to get out, but did it gently. Outside Bagheera explained it was like the moon’s phases. At this moment it’s waning: I’m letting go of old routines. The new moon will be a pause. The waxing moon will make the new routines mine. With full moon the cycle will be complete.
When I walked back along the beach with Bagheera, she gave me some additional tips. I went up the tree and sat down for a while to let all of it sink in. When I was back in my room, I wrote everything down.
Last Sunday I attended an event about the goddess Nehalennia in Leiden, organised by the Pagan Federation. We met in a building of the Leiden University, where we listened to a very interesting talk by GardenStone. He has done 4 years of research on Nehalennia and has written a book about it. First in German, but a translation in Dutch will be available in May this year. I have pre-ordered the book and will get it at the Dutch PFI Conference.
