Update

A few weeks into the new year, everything back to normal. You asked me how I'm doing. Well, I feel fine! I really think it was the right time to quit taking antidepressants. The first weeks I felt a bit weird, like I had a big fog inside my head. Slowly the fog faded away. The most significant change are my feelings. I got to know peaks again, up and down. My feelings are more intense. I laughed out loud, cried a river and got really mad! When I was having my period last week people around me suffered from my temper. :) In the beginning it was all a bit too much, but I already feel a balance coming. It feels good to feel real again. It doesn't feel strange at all, it feels very familiar. The old me is waking up and I welcome her back with open arms!

I also started working on my weight again. I don't diet, I pay more attention to my food intake and regularity. Everything is allowed, but in moderation. The first week went very well and the reward was huge: I lost 7 kg (15,4lbs)! Of course that was a bit much and a lot of water, but still nice. The second week I got my period and gained 0,5 kg. Ah well, the average is still good. ;-) I have to (want to) persevere anyway, because I have quite some weight to lose. I don't have a goal weight, more a goal size. I'd like to have size 44 (Dutch size, equals UK-size 18, US-size 16) again, so I can buy clothes in common stores. A long way to go, wish me luck...

Last post of 2010!

The last weeks I haven't been posting much. Don't worry, I'm still here! I've been busy with some major issues in my life. I won't beat around the bush... In a very sneaky way the eating disorder monster found its way back into my life. I hate to admit it, but it's true. Good news is I'm fighting back with all I've got! It is hard, but I'm more determined than ever to get rid of it once and for all...
Another big decision: I decided to try a life without anti depressants. They've helped me in the past and I'm glad they did. After I forgot them for a week (yes, really forgot!) and didn't even really notice it I decided to give it a go. So you see... major issues...

This morning I walked a labyrinth on a foggy beach and it was magical! The fog in my head is slowly clearing away. It will take some time until the ad remainders left my body completely. I asked some guidance in the labyrinth.The answer was clear enough: have faith! So that's my intention for 2011...

To all of you: blessings and all the best for 2011. May your best day of 2010 be your worst in 2011! :)

For Ron

Our love started off on rocky ground

But together we stood tall

Because the love we found

Can really conquer all!

If it wasn’t for you

I wouldn’t be here

The reverse is also true

We just need each other near

Together we are strong

Two halves of one heart

Friends, lovers, soul mates all along

A bond never to fall apart

All the words in all the books can not describe my love for you

So it will take all of my life and more to prove you that it’s true


~*~*~*~

Today is our wedding anniversary, we got married 15 years ago. We are together for 24 years though. I remember that beautiful day back in 1995. Very cliche perhaps, but it really was the happiest day of my life...

Each day I love you more

I love you more than I did yesterday

But less than I will do tomorrow

Forever!

BBC Booklist

I encountered this list again (on Facebook) and finally decided to see how I did and post about it. :)

So the BBC (anno 2003) believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here. Bold the ones you've read, and italicize the ones you've read parts of but didn't finish.

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (my all-time favourite book!)
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible (Roman Catholic school and upbringing)
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare (yep, all of it!)
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
24. The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
25. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
26. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
27. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
28. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
29. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
30. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
31. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
32. Emma -Jane Austen
33. Persuasion - Jane Austen
34. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - CS Lewis
35. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
36. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
37. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
38. Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne
39. Animal Farm - George Orwell
40. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
41. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
42. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
43. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
44. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
45. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
46. The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
47. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
48. Atonement - Ian McEwan
49. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
50. Dune - Frank Herbert
51. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
52. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
53. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
54. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
55. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
56. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
57. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
58. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
59. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
60. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
61. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
62. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
63. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
64. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
65. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
66. Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
67. Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
68. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
69. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
70. Dracula - Bram Stoker
71. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
72. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
73. Ulysses - James Joyce
74. The Inferno - Dante
75. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
76. Germinal - Emile Zola
77. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
78. Possession - AS Byatt
79. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens (still read it every year)
80. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
81. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
82. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
83. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
84. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
85. Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White
86. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
87. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
88. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
89. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
90. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
91. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
92. Watership Down - Richard Adams (love it!)
93. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
94. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
95. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
96. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
97. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
98. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Not 100 because in the original list there were several Harry Potter books, now it's one. The winner was The Lord Of The Rings and I couldn't agree more!

Wow, I got 70 out of 98! I didn't read all of them in English, but also in Dutch of course. I always try to read a book in the original language if possible (mostly English, some German and French).

How did you do??

Disneyland Paris

Thursday Ron, Joke and I returned from a 4-day/3-night stay in Disneyland Paris. We had a fabulous time! Because of the snow and x-mas decorations it was a true winter wonderland. So beautiful... We stayed in the Santa Fe Hotel in a simple but well-equipped room with double beds, decorated in Cars-style. A shuttlebus service was available to go to the parks.

The first day we left early, because it was a 500 km (310 mi) drive. When we arrived we moved into the room, unpacked and rested for a while. We decided to take the bus to the parks to look around a bit. Joke had been there before with Leo, so she knew where to go. The parks were covered with snow. Around 5pm the Once Upon a Dream Parade started, my absolute favourite thing to do (watch). Main Street looked wonderful. A few times my eyes filled with tears of sheer happiness. Finally there, as I've always wanted ever since the opening in 1992... My inner child enjoyed herself to her heart's content!

After an early night and deep sleep we had an early breakfast, so we could leave for the parks early too. Guests of the Disney hotels are allowed early access before opening hour. The first thing we did was Space Mountain. Holy moly, that was quite a ride! I loved it, although I was a bit unstable when I got out. Some attractions were closed because of the weather and/or refurbishing. We did all we could and enjoyed ourselves thoroughly. From thrills to wonderful attractions like "It's a Small World" and "Peter Pan's Flight". It was very tiring but I walked on adrenalin! We never had long waiting times; that's the benefit of going on weekdays outside holidays. For dinner we had booked the Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show. Great entertainment and the food was good (except for the cold potatoes).

Wednesday we 'did' the Walt Disney Studios Park. That one is smaller but also great in a different way.The absolute tophit was The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror! Woohoo! Inside it looked spooky and the ride was awesome. The Moteurs... Action! Stunt Show Spectacular was abridged because of the snow, but still spectacular. It was very cold on the grandstand, so after the show we had some hot chocolate and went into the theatre to get warm again. When we had seen what we wanted, we walked to the other park again to shop and of course watch the Parade again. I bought and got some wonderful Tink-stuff! We had dinner in The Steakhouse about which I can be brief: a big disappointment, not something I'd recommend. But we didn't let that spoil our fun too much! We returned to the hotel, very tired (and Ron with painful knees) but very satisfied after another great day.

Thursday we decided to skip the parks and drive home early because the weather forecast was bad. The homeward journey was long. In France and Belgium it wasn't that bad, but in the Netherlands we fell into an early traffic rush hour. We were home around 6pm. First we picked up the dogs at Ron's sister; they were so happy to see us! I had missed them a lot, and the cats too. We ordered dinner in and talked about our adventures. What an experience, what an amazing time...

A selection of our (800+) photos are in my Facebook album "Eurodisney December 2010".

Catching up

The last few weeks have been very busy. First Ron had a very nasty flu. Just when he was recovering he got an acute cystitis, which is very painful especially for a man. On top of that his knees are aching again. In between all of that Ron is working hard to get his own business going.

A friend invited Ron and me to celebrate Samhain with a group we know from a pagan forum and former meetings. First it wasn't possible because I had a ritual planned with my coven on Saturdaynight, but that was delayed. In the evening we did a beautiful ritual and afterwards there was a Halloween party in the big hall. Everything was decrated and looked great. I wore a Caspar the Friendly Ghost mask and a witches' hat. Ron stayed up late, but I went to bed earlier because I was very tired.

November 16th I went to the first viewing of the Take That documentary "Look Back Don't Stare" in Theater Tuschinski in Amsterdam. It's about Rob's return to the boy... eh... manband. I had won tickets! If you're interested in Ron and Take That I can recommend it. At times I was surprised there eventually came a cd. :) I understand why Rob has so much fun being back with the boys. If this is the way for him I'm okay with it. I already bought a ticket for the concert in the Amsterdam Arena on July 18th next year and I'm looking forward to it!

Last weekend I spent another weekend in a yurt with the Lowland Systers. This time it wasn't as cold as early this year. We had a wonderful time! The first day we used to catch up with each other and make plans for the weekend. Saturday we slept in. I woke up at half past 10! The last weeks had asked a lot of my energy, so I had to use the weekend to recharge my battery. In the afternoon we did some magical groupwork and when it was dark we walked into the woods to do our ritual. We found a stump that was perfect to use as an altar. Afterwards we had dinner in the yurt. It's such a great accomodation! It has a lovely atmosphere, especially by candlelight. Sunday morning we packed our bags and said our goodbyes. We already have plans to return there next year. :) You can see my pics in my Facebook album "Yurt 2".

Farewell to Bagheera

In 2008 I introduced Bagheera the black panther (leopard) to you in this blogpost. I adopted her through Big Cat Rescue. Now it's time to say goodbye....

BAGHEERA
born: March 1, 1989
died: November 10, 2010

She lived far longer than most of her kind do, but that doesn't make it easier to let her go... I cried... I really loved her from afar...

Bagheera came to Big Cat Rescue from Oklahoma on May 27, 1995 with Adonnis, another black leopard. They were both declawed and being kept as pets. Their owners then moved and didn't have room for either of them at their new location.
Adonnis and Bagheera, the two roommates, were able to spend their days together in a very large cat-a-tat built especially for them as a contest prize won by Julie Hanan, a Big Cat Rescue volunteer. They were located in an area of the sanctuary that isn’t accessible to all volunteers or guests.

A slideshow was also created when they were re-introduced and began life together again in their new, larger cat-a-tat. That can be viewed here. The video below will give you an opportunity to see just how playful and affectionate they were with each other.

Sadly, Bagheera was left without Adonnis when he passed away on January 13, 2010. Her health continued to fail and the people at Big Cat Rescue said a tearful goodbye to her as she joined Adonnis over the rainbow bridge, finally free, after living 21 years in captivity.

text by Big Cat Rescue

Please support Big Cat Rescue if you can, they do GREAT work! Every donation helps! They are also on Facebook, Twitter and other networking websites.

Blogblast for peace 2010

Today I'm joining hundreds of bloggers across the world in a movement called "Blogblast For Peace". Bloggers will unite in a global cry for peace in this annual event. One day. One voice. All it takes is one post. Won't you join us?

This is the third time I'm participating in Blogblast for Peace. I chose quotes that emphasize that peace on earth starts with peace within. The dove doesn't need explanation, and the Tink in outline is my personal touch. I hope you like it!

Blogblast for Peace links
BFP website
info on Mimi's blog
eventpage on Facebook
fanpage on Facebook

Finally found!

I finally found my black panther statue! After years of looking, searching, asking... The black panther is my power animal or totem for as long as I can remember. I really wanted a nice statue, but most I found showed an angry panther, often with open mouth. I know they are predators, but still I was looking for something else. A few weeks ago I was surfing the web when I encountered BlackPantherAnimals.com. Wow, a paradise for black panther fans like me (they also have other animals though). After some consideration I decided to buy Black Panther On Rock and Tiny One. The postage costs startled me as always from the USA to here, but I really wanted to have this. Now that I found her, I couldn't let go... I'm very happy!
Bastet shows you how big it is:

O what a day...

This morning I did a guest lesson for staff nurses about eating disorders. It's one of the things I do to help others with my experience. It was part of a special information day in a mental health care institution. I tell about my own experiences and discuss with the audience (this time nurses, but it can be any audience). When they are social workers I try to make them see that patients are individual persons that need an individual approach. They aren't cases that need to be treated according to protocol. Of course treatment protocols are necessary, but I try to make them think outside the box. I give them a view from the other side. As usual the response was positive, they were thankful for my input. I believe I gave them something to think about and that's exactly what I want to achieve.

When I wanted to go home afterwards I encountered a problem. A car had parked so stupidly that I couldn't get out of my space. I tried to get out by direction of someone that tried to help, but it couldn't be done. I was stuck between a lamppost, a tree and that car. The personnel was very kind and tried to help me in every way they could. I called Ron and he got the name of the owner through the car dealer. Unfortunately that wasn't someone known there. After two hours I called the police, but they said they couldn't help me as I was on private property. Eventually two people from the local parking management team came. They weren't allowed to tow away the car either, but they managed to get my car a few inches sideways with a drag-rope on my tow bar. That way I could finally drive away. After three hours I was on my way home. I was pissed and worn out, but thankful for the help and happy to go home at last. Quite the adventure...

Birthday and other things

Time to catch up... My birthday was good. Yes, there were tears for Leo, but that was okay. I gave his picture a prominent place in the room. For Joke it was a sad day too of course, but she came early and I think she had a good time with all the guests. It beats sitting home alone and crying I hope.

I was happy to share both the sadness and the joy with my friends and family. It was busy, but not too much. I had asked money because I wanted to save for a good speedbike. Although I also got some lovely presents I had enough money to buy the bike I wanted. Yesterday we went to get it. Ron assembled it right away. I tried it for a while, but I'm still a bit weak. Last week I had a nasty cold, flu, virus or whatever it was. I feel a lot better, but it goes away slowly. Unfortunately I infected Ron, so now it's his turn to feel lousy and my turn to play nurse.

Last Saturday I had a wonderful get-together on the Veluwe. I was invited to an early Mabon ritual. The Lowland Systers and my coven were invited, so I saw quite a few familiar faces. I also got to know some other lovely women and a man. It was an eclectic group that went very well together. It felt warm, welcoming and strong. The ritual was beautiful. The surroundings were lit by candles. The weather had been very wet last week but we had dry weather with open skies and a gorgeous moon looking down on us. Magical... I was home very late and very tired, but it was worth it for sure!

Firsts

Today is my sister's birthday. The first time without Leo. She didn't celebrate her birthday, but of course I went to see her. She was very emotional, and so was I. Because Leo had his birthday only a few weeks later, they mostly celebrated the two birthdays together on Leo's in October. Last year Joke celebrated her own birthday. The last with Leo, as if it had to be that way. He was surrounded by friends and family, although we didn't know it was the last time...

This week my old "auntie" Rie died suddenly in her home; she was almost 81. She wasn't really an aunt, but the mother of my brother's childhood friend and their family became friends with mine. Through the years she was always there; sometimes every week, sometimes a few times a year. Modern, spontaneous, optimistic, loving... She was a wonderful woman and will be missed dearly by many. Today I got the announcement in the post. On top was a rainbow and the translations of the first lines of "Look for me in rainbows" by Vicky Brown, which was one of the songs on my mother's cremation. Again, tears...

Next Wednesday I'll have my birthday. It will be an ambivalent day. I will have a party, but it will also be exactly a year ago that Leo so unexpectedly died. I can't help but thinking about it. I know he would want me to celebrate my birthday as always. I'll try, but this first time it won't be completely 'as always' and in a way it will never be. I think about him every day and miss him, but certain days are significant whether we like it or not. Nevertheless, life goes on and so must we... I know I won't keep it dry next week though.

These 'firsts' are difficult. It will get 'easier', the raw pain and grief will soften. I know. Still, I hate these 'firsts'!

Awards

The 2010 Top Paganism Blog Awards are organised by Online PhD Programs and BestBloggers. Awards candidates are selected using audience nominations. The list of nominations is then filtered through to produce a list of award candidates. Each blog on this list is then scored by a panel of 5 judges. Each judge rates each blog across 20 different attributes providing it with a ‘subjective’ score. These ratings are combined into an aggregate, and the aggregates of the 5 judges are averaged to give the blog its final rating. The ratings are then compared, and awards are given out to blogs in the 99% percentile (meaning the top 1% of blogs receive awards). The award winners for the paganism category were announced on August 17, 2010. I was surprised but very honoured to hear ~*~Tinkerbell~*~ is one of the top 35 paganism blogs! There are very interesting other blogs on the list too; I'm using the list to explore new blogs.
Thanks for nominating me!!

~*~*~*~

Greenwheel from Green Witch Ways has bestowed upon me an award for a blog with substance! See her post here. Wow, thank you! I am flattered and again very honoured.

The rules for the award are :
1. Thank the blogger that gave you the award -
Thank you GreenWheel! Your blog does definitely deserve the award too!
2. Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, experience, using 10 words. -
Pfew, only 10? Sorry, no can do...
• no obligations (write whenever I want & whatever I want)
• personal (it's not an info only blog, but a personal account)
• pagan (I'm pagan so my blog is pagan)
• interesting (I write for myself, but I hope others find it interesting too)
• etc.... fill in your own idea about my blog
3. Pass the award on to 10 other blogs you feel have substance. -
Let's see how far I get:..
• Lyn at Witch Blog
• Suzie at Suzie Ridler
• Dori at From A Yellow House In England
• Lily at Irresistible Secrets
• Renny at RennyBA's Terella
• Vixen at Vixen's Den
Visit them, they deserve it! :-)

Castlefest and handfasting

(I've written this post more than 10 days ago, but forgot to hit "post" I think..??)

Last Saturday Ron and I went to Castlefest, a medieval/fantasy/pagan/steampunk festival in Lisse. There were a lot of market stalls, artists, musicians and other entertainment. It's a huge piece of land, so we first made a round to see everything. Most people are dressed up medieval, pagan, etc. My friend Krissy had made a beautiful blue gown for me. I had used some make-up (which I rarely do) and I really felt pretty. People even said I was radiating! With Krissy I bought a corset to wear over the dress. I always thought that made me look fat, but it didn't; it showed my... ehm... assets so to say! ;-) I also bought a beautiful black (matt) saucer with a spiral in it.

This time there was an extra reason to visit Castlefest. We were invited to attend the handfasting of two friends. They had asked Ron to take pictures. The ceremony was really beautiful. They were very nervous. They are together for 12 years and this was a wonderful confirmation of their special bond. It brought tears to my eyes, and I wasn't the only one! You can see the pictures in this album, but please note they are private and not for other use!

Congratulations to Rob & Ayda!

Rob and Ayda got married yesterday at his LA mansion. They planned to marry somewhere else, but some stupid guest couldn't keep his/her mouth shut and leaked to the press. I hope they had a wonderful wedding, the most beautiful day of their lifes, that they'll look back at for years to come. I'm so glad for Rob he finally found the love of his life and Ayda is one lucky lady! ;-) I wish them all the best and a lot of privacy away from the paparazzi!

About Rob re-joining Take That... I'm still not decided about the reunion. For Rob it seems to be what he wants, so then basically it's fine with me. But he is so much more than Take That and I'm afraid we'll miss a lot of that... I never really was a huge TT-fan, so maybe that plays a part too. I like Take That, I love Robbie Williams; that's the difference.