Update

The talk with the UWV doctor yesterday was hard. Of course I had to tell everything and answer a lot of difficult questions. I was so glad Ron was there with me! Towards the end I burst into tears. I felt miserable, ashamed and sad. I don't know much yet. There will be a second talk, either with another doctor (for a second opinion to be declared 100 % unfit to work) or a work ability expert (to see what my possibilities are if I would be declared partially unfit). So I sit and wait...

This morning my mother had an appointment with the cardiologist again. She has to have surgery to replace the aorta valve. Some kind of ring will be placed behind the other valve to neutralize the leaking. The surgery will take place in the Onze Lieve Vrouwe Gasthuis in Amsterdam, where she also got her bypasses 16 years ago. Next week we have an appointment with a lung specialist to see if she needs special care before, during or after the surgery. And then we wait... According to the list on the hospital website the waiting period is quite short though, only a few weeks.

Feeling lost, regaining hope

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through

I've been trying hard to reach you 'cause I don't know what to do

Oh brother I can't believe it's true

I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you

Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see

In the future where will I be?

You can climb a ladder up to the sun

Or write a song nobody has sung

Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?

Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?

Tell me how you feel

Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak

And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see

In the future where will I be?

You can climb a ladder up to the sun

Or write a song nobody has sung

Or do something that's never been done

Or do something that's never been done

So you don't know where you're going and you wanna talk

And you feel like you're going where you've been before

You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored

Nothing's really making any sense at all, let's talk

Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk.

- (Talk by Coldplay from the album X&Y)


~*~*~*~~*~*~*~~*~*~*~~*~*~*~~*~*~*~~*~*~*~~*~*~*~

This morning I was watching Larry King on CNN about the death of Dana Reeve, the widow of Christopher Reeve ("Superman"). Last week she died of lung cancer at age 44. Larry was talking with friends about her life with Chris and her own battle with cancer. Lance Armstrong, Dana Reeve's friend, the legendary athlete and cancer survivor; ABC news correspondent Deborah Roberts, Dana Reeve's friend and her co-host on the show "Lifetime Live"; Senator John Kerry, close friend of Dana Reeve who campaigned for him when he ran for the White House; renowned spiritual adviser Deepak Chopra who also knew Dana Reeve; Dr. Maya Angelou, whose poems inspired Dana Reeve after Chris' death; Marianne Williamson, the best-selling author and lecturer on spirituality; and Kathy Lewis, president of the Christopher Reeve Foundation. You can read the whole transcript here. It was very moving.

At one point Deepak Chopra said the following:
"We are spirit. We are souls. We are part of a greater wholeness. And that is something that science and spirituality are bringing to us together. So religious insights, spiritual insights, the experience of great seers in ancient times, and today's modern insights all give us a measure of hope, and consolation, and also some feeling that we are part of a bigger wholeness, Larry.
(...) And, you know, there's never any reason to get disheartened. Cancer patients should believe the diagnosis so they can take action, but never believe the prognosis because statistics never applies to the individual. It's like saying, "The average temperature in New York City is 70," but it doesn't tell me what the temperature is today. Or the average income of a person in Los Angeles is $100,000. It doesn't tell me what your income is, if you're coming from Los Angeles. So do not buy into the statistics."

That last part struck me and got me thinking. It doesn’t apply only to a serious matter like this, but to all kinds of situations in life. And, in some strange way, to my own situation. I can’t fully explain, but it gave me hope. Perhaps statistics are against me, but that doesn’t mean things are hopeless for me as an individual. Tomorrow, my fatigue, depression, eating… The hell with statistics, I’m a fighter!

Hospital

Yesterday I spent most of the day in hospital with my mother. As preparation for her surgery she got a heart catheterization through the groin. We had to wait for a long time, but the nurses were very kind. Around 2 pm my mum was finally taken to the operating room. It took a while to get the local anaesthetic right, which was very painful. The procedure itself wasn't that bad. When it was ready the doctor had to put a lot of effort in to apply a compress. Back on the ward mum had to lie flat for at least 4 hours. She was very glad she didn't have to stay the night in the hospital, but it was after 10 pm before she was home!
This morning I've done some shopping for her. She felt better but the nerves from yesterday were coming out, so I stayed a bit longer until she was somewhat calmer. Next Wednesday we have another appointment with the cardiologist.

Allowance

Today I received a registered letter from the UWV, the organisation that pays my monthly disability allowance. I have to go there for a re-examination and re-assessment of my condition next Tuesday. There are new rules and laws, so everyone with an allowance gets a call to come. I knew this was coming, but my hands were trembling when I had to sign for receipt. I'm afraid, I'm dreading this... My feelings about it are so conflicting.
At one hand I want to be declared 100 % unfit to work, because I am not able to do it. Some days perhaps I could, but most of the time I just can't. I hate to admit it, I wish it was different, but it's true... That's why I'm so scared to be passed to work.
On the other hand I don't want to be declared unfit. It's so definitive. It feels as if I have definitively failed or something. My common sense tells me that's nonsense, but still... the feeling's there.
I'm restless, confused, afraid and sad. What a week this is going to be... Somehow I'll have to try to face this more positive, try to have some faith. I want to, but how..?

Scary!

I just received a message on an e-maillist with the link to a video. It is a woman coming home after Trading Spouses (Jouw Vrouw, Mijn Vrouw over here). She is a christian and had traded places with a witch. She's completely freaking out in front of her husband and kids. Scary...
The video is 5 min 31 sec and you can see it here.

Goodbye my friend =^..^=

We had to let our dear cat Heathcliff go tonight... His kidneys were failing and the values in his blood too bad to do something about. It all went so fast! Lately he lost some weight, but not alarming; he did eat, drink and act like always. Most cats that have kidney problems drink a lot more but he didn't. When he did, it was already too late... :-( The last days he declined rapidly, so we had to decide to release him from his suffering. He died in my arms...

That's the one and only thing I hate about pets: the moment I have to let them go... We cried our hearts out, Ron at the vet's and I at home. Heathcliff was with us ever since he was a kitten. We saved him when he was around 4 weeks; two kittens from his nest had been eaten by the pitbulls that also lived in the house! We decided to take him with us and feed him ourselves. In April this year he would have been 15. I know we gave him a happy home, but I hoped to have him with us so much longer...

He was very fond of Ron too, kissed (licked) him and washed his hear and moustache! He lived indoors, but loved to enjoy the sun on the terrace. Poemel misses him already; they always shared their favourite places like the chair, their own sofa and the radiator.

I have lit a candle in front of my Bast statue. I know she will guide him to the rainbow bridge where he'll meet our other pets. Gone but never forgotten... Until we meet again...

SFGA: Asatru

Last Thursday the SFGA welcomed Dreki to tell us about Asatru, the Northern Tradition. It was very interesting. I must say I didn't know a lot about Asatru; I've read the Edda and knew some basic stuff. Dreki not only told us general information, but also gave it a personal touch by describing how he feels about it and applies it. He works with a group called Het Rad (The Wheel). Their website is mostly in dutch, but some of it is available in english. Especially the linkpage contains enough to explore Asatru on the www.

We tried a new location for the SFGA that evening, also in the city center of Amsterdam. Although it looked promising at first I don't think we'll return there. The old location isn't bad or something, in fact we use several locations. We just need a bit of privacy and acceptable prizes for drinks (and food).

Results

This morning my mum got the results from the cardiologist. No good news... She has to undergo surgery. Her left aorta valve is severely narrowed and has to be replaced for sure. The other valve on the left is leaking. There are more tests needed to see if that one has to be replaced too. Another ultra-sound scan will be done, but this time through the oesophagus (gullet). Right after the appointment with the cardiologist my mum had to do a lung function test, because she also has pulmonary emphysema. Perhaps she'll have to see a lung specialist too. Everything must be checked and approved before she can undergo the operation.

Mum was very disappointed with the results; she had hoped to just get another medicine or something. She cried for a short while. I already was afraid an operation would be necessary, but still was frightened to hear it definitely. We can only hope for the best and think positive.

Encouragement

Someone will always be smarter. Their house will be bigger. They will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school. And their partners will fix more things around the house.

So . . . let it go and love yourself and your circumstances.

Think about it. The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart. And the most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children. The richest woman you know - she's got the car, the house, the clothes - might be heartbreakingly lonely.

So, love you. Love who you are right now.
Tell yourself: "I am too blessed to be stressed."

Be blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world."

source: The Goddess Path Newsletter by Goddess Gift

Born 1974 :-)

Happy 32nd Birthday Rob!!!

Mama 70

Last Friday my mother turned 70. She didn't want to celebrate it, because it would be too much for her at home. However, we (sister, brother, me & partners) didn't want to let this jubilee year pass by unnoticed and decided to organize a party. My brother made his business accommodation available for it. We sent invitations, did some shopping and decorated the place inside and outside with flags and balloons. My brother's son had made 4 special cloths; one of them we hung next to the entrance. For an extra present we put 70 red roses in a sinc bucket. When everything was ready we all went home to put other clothes on and have a bite to eat.

I picked up my mother around 19.00 and the first guests started to trickle in. We did the catering ourselves, but also made time to mingle with the visitors. Most of the family and friends had come. From my mother's family only she and her youngest sister remain (out of 7 brothers and sisters). I think the party was a success: my mother had a great time and we got a lot of compliments from the guests. They enjoyed themselves. Look here and here. I took a lot of pictures. We also posed, for instance Ron & I, mother & daughters and mother & kids. Almost everyone stayed until the end. After everyone left we had fun while clearing away the mess. Around midnight we went home, very tired but also very happy and satisfied!

Ashes and Snow

On the weblog of Uniquehorn I found the link to a wonderful website. It is called "Ashes and Snow". If you can, choose the Enhanced Experience. Take your time and enjoy...
I've added it to My Favourites and will return there often!

Busy day

This morning my mum and I went to the hospital in Haarlem for the ultra-sound scan of her heart. She said she wasn't nervous, but I felt she was. We were early, but didn't have to wait long. The nurse was very friendly. My mum didn't want to see the scan, but I could look over the nurse's shoulder. Very interesting to see the images from my biology books come alive. I noticed the irregular and fast beating. I could also recognize the ventricles and auricles. The valve was visible, but it was opening and closing very fast. Later on the nurse made the blood circulation visible, different colours for the directions. After approximately 35 to 40 minutes the scan was ready. Next Wednesday we have an appointment with the cardiologist for the results.

In the afternoon I had a meeting at the local pet-shelter to hand over my voluntary work to a paid employee. The management got disposal of extra hours and decided to use them for this. I got a call a few weeks ago and they emphasized it wasn't because they were dissatisfied with my work, on the contrary. I did the donations administration and coordinated the aftercare (people visit everyone that takes a pet from the shelter at home). It didn't take a lot of time to do, but still it was getting too much for me. Sometimes even Ron had to step in to help me. I managed to do my work in the best way (always a perfectionist...), but I was thinking about stopping. In a way the call from the management was convenient; I didn't have to take the decision myself. Still, I feel ambivalent about it. On one hand I'm glad I don't have to do it anymore, but on the other hand: again something I can't do anymore. That makes me sad. I'll still do occasional work for the pet shelter when they need me, I'll stay in the shelter committee, but even so... :-( Ah well, I'll get over it and find something else I can do!

Witchy Girls Night 4

Friday evening I went to the fourth Witchy Girls Night.
We had all brought a besom/broom. I had made two little ones (I have four besoms now!), because Monique and I had to travel by boat and tram. Some had tied the broom to their bike. There was a nice collection of besoms. :-)

So close to Imbolc we couldn't forget about Brighid, goddess of poetry, inspiration, smithcraft, healing and prediction. Everyone had made a piece of paper with some words, drawings, poetry, etc. The envelopes were gathered in a cauldron and at the end of the evening we took another envelope out. I had used a poem made in honour of Imbolc by Nathalitanis and added a personal note. I got another great poem.

The altar was beautiful, mostly white. On the picture Sorcha discovered the unintentional symbolism: the branches with catkins form a womb with the light of the sun in the south. We each lit a tealight and with the candle of Brighid it looks like the light is about to be born...

The ritual was wonderful. We shared the way each of us call the quarters and chose the element we feel most connected to and the one we need most in our live. Even though I'm a virgo, I've always considered water to be my element. We passed an ice cube around until it melted to be aware of the individual cold sensations we experienced with our hands while transferring the positive energy to the group's collective goal.

We drank "slemp", an old Dutch custom. It is made of warm milk with tea and spices. Milk is a symbol of fertility and belongs to Imbolc. The spices have strengthening and protective qualities.
I'll give you the recipe:

Ingredients:

• 1.5 liter milk
• 3 teaspoons tea
• 1.5 cm cinnamon stick
• peel of 1 lemon
• 3 whole cloves
• a piece of mace
• 3 saffron threads
• 60 grams sugar

Bring the milk to a boil. Tie the spices and tea in a cotton cloth (or put them in a tea ball) and hang it in the milk. Put a lid on the pan and let it simmer for one hour to let the spices infuse in the milk. Add the sugar towards the end. You can thicken it with a few egg yolks or cornflour (Am. cornstarch). Filter the slemp before serving it hot. Enjoy!

Inner woman

Last weekend I went to a two-day-meeting of the Vrouwenontmoeting forum (vrouwen=women, ontmoeting=meeting) in a group building in Heeze. We were there with about 10 women, some known some unknown to me. It was a nice group, felt good. We had great weather: cold (freezing) but dry and sunny.
Everyone brought something for lunch, dinner, breakfast and/or between. I had taken care of the non-alcoholic part of the drinks. The food was very delicious and extensive! Everyone had done their best, yum-yum!
In the afternoon we made a trance journey to discover/meet our inner woman. We had all taken something to represent femininity. I took my Gaia statue, but there was a diversity of objects: make-up brush, pics of pregnancy, rubber hairband, Goddess pendant, oceandrum, sanitary towel, other women statues. The journey itself was very interesting. Afterwards everyone shared their experience, very different but still with similarities. I met two inner women: a perfect one (tall, long blond hair, slim, elegant) and one like the Venus of Willendorf (like this). They held my statue together and told me: "We are both part of you, don't separate us, we are one." When I answered I knew, they said: "Then do something with that!" They sounded nice and caring, but firm. I understand the message.....
In the evening we sat around the stove and talked about our backgrounds, paths, femininity, etc. It was a very interesting discussion and good to get to know eachother better. Unfortunately 2 women had to go home, but I was glad they had taken the time and effort to come! In a corner of the large room we did a little spontaneous ritual. Afterwards some went to bed, I stayed downstairs with a few others and we talked and laughed until late.
Early in the morning I woke up. I dressed myself and put on my new necklace (I made it myself in a workshop last Thursday). We had a huge breakfast around half past nine with freshly-squeezed orange juice. After the dishes most of us went for a walk in the beautiful neighbourhood. When we got back it was time to pack up and go.
Ladies, thanks for a wonderful weekend!!!!!