The new me

Accepting myself and especially my body has been an issue in my life for as long as I can remember. The depressions and eating disorders had their roots in the same issue, although there was more. Over the years I’ve tried to deal with it, not always equally successful, but I did the best I could. Everything I did, helped in some way or another, less or more. In therapy I learned a lot. Step by step I got further on my path to be friends with my body. I dealt with the problems I had, but somehow the body-issue didn’t really change. I had a distorted body image, couldn’t look in de mirror without condemning what I saw, was convinced I was ugly, couldn’t understand why people liked me, and so on…

When I started being active with “witchy stuff’, the issue kept coming back in meditations, journeys. Being a witch has a lot to do with honouring yourself and your body. Before you are able to honour, you have to accept. Again, step by step I learned. Don’t get me wrong, witchcraft isn’t therapy!! It is very personal though; self-discovery, self-knowledge is an important part of it. In therapy I laid the foundations, but it couldn’t do more for me. My spiritual path brought me closer to dealing with the issue.

The last few years it got more intensive. I had little and big ‘breakthroughs’. My first full-body massage was scary to plan, but it felt great and I surprised myself: I could enjoy it! Another milestone was the Shadow Workshop with Phyllis Curott. It was heavy stuff and hard work, but very rewarding! I really took a major step in dealing with the ugly-me-monster. A simple (though not easy...) exercise turned out to be a big boost into the right direction. For the first time I believed I could beat the monster.

The last few months I was aware of a change in myself. I couldn’t name it, but I felt it was very important. I didn’t push a button, it was a long process that hasn’t completely finished yet. I recognised signs, behaviour in myself that held the promise of significant change. I couldn’t share it yet, couldn’t even put it into words. Last week I figured it out, the volcano inside erupted and strange new feelings emerged to the surface. I’m not going to torture myself any longer, I’m no longer putting my life on hold “until I loose the extra weight”. My life is now, with the body I have. I may not like everything about it, but hey… it’s me! It has always supported me, worked with me, even when I was torturing it in ways I can’t even imagine now. I may be overweight, but that doesn’t mean I’m ugly. O yes, I still would like to shed a few pounds or more, but if it doesn’t happen it’s not the end of the world. I’m okay the way I am now, my body is worth caring for!

So… I’m breaking new ground. It still feels strange and scary at times, but most of the time the positive feelings prevail. A brand new world reveals itself to me. I enjoy it fully, but I also keep my feet on the ground. It won’t always be easy, I’ll fall from time to time. But this regained freedom is something I don’t want to give up anymore. You know… I’m so proud of myself!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Last Friday I did a shamanic journey. I planned to ask Bagheera (my black panther totem) for guidance in this new situation. I walked towards my tree, very slowly, leaving stress and other distracting things behind me. I sat against the tree for a while, then I rolled backwards into it until I stood. The way down was spiralling. Lately I see a lot of spirals in dreams, meditations etc.
Bagheera was waiting for me. I hugged her, we played. She made me feel very welcome and special. When I asked her to help me, she brought me to a beautiful cave with high arches, lit by torches and candles. We stopped in front of a beautiful wooden door. When I opened it, I was back in the Shadow Workshop, just before the merging of the 'sacred me' and my shadows ('the wicked witch' and the 'perfect me'). We made a circle of four, holding hands. I felt the energy moving. We walked around, first slowly then faster and faster. In the middle of our circle formed a vortex. The others led me into it. They kept running around me and at the highest point of energy they joined me in the vortex. It was as if we stood in the eye of a tornado, but it wasn’t scary, on the contrary. I took the time and enjoyed the merging. I raised my arms high and felt happy, positive. When I wanted to step outside, it went very slow. It felt like hands were pulling me back, but not compulsory. I knew I was strong enough to get out, but did it gently. Outside Bagheera explained it was like the moon’s phases. At this moment it’s waning: I’m letting go of old routines. The new moon will be a pause. The waxing moon will make the new routines mine. With full moon the cycle will be complete.
When I walked back along the beach with Bagheera, she gave me some additional tips. I went up the tree and sat down for a while to let all of it sink in. When I was back in my room, I wrote everything down.

Foofur's 10th birthday

Today my little furry friend Foofur celebrates his 10th birthday. It's going so fast! I remember the first time I saw him in the pet shelter, 10 weeks old and soooo cute! It was love on first sight, both ways. I took him with me everywhere. Everybody loves him. In character he is more Corgi than Jack Russell. He likes to play, but isn't hyper. He likes to be around me all the time. And I hope he will be around for a very long time to come.

Happy Birthday, Foofur!!!

I love you!

Maia is featured!

CATS ON TUESDAY is a group of cat lovers

who share pictures and/or stories about their cats once a week,
hosted by Gattina.

Today I send you to a very nice website where Maia was featured yesterday. I had computer problems, so I couldn't let you know earlier.

Kittybellys.com is "a collecshun of the best kitteh bellys on da planet"! Obsessed with the soft and furry kitty bellies? Well, this is the place for you!! Kittybellys is the place to admire and worship kitty bellies. (Btw, the site also has Entrecard)

I found the site when Harley & Daisy were featured there on February 4th and 3rd. I submitted two pictures of Maia's pretty belly and got an instant answer she'd be on the site a.s.a.p. She is now!

TT #96: online pagan shops

Thirteen pagan webshops I like to browse pagan shops online. Sometimes just reading, getting ideas, etc. but I also regularly buy pagan stuff online. I listed 13 shops I like. Most of them are in Great Britain, because that's cheaper in postage for me. Abaxion - USA, I bought my Millenial Gaia statue here, and some other stuff. They have a lot, but I especially like the statues. Astral Aspects - GB, I bought my Chakra Energy Generator Crystal here, and other things. I'd love to have this ring, but they only have one size left. Have you seen it anywhere else? Please tell me! Pagan Dreams - GB, 3 departments: The Craft, Jewellery and Incense. Cybermoon Emporium - GB, donates a portion of all sales to charity (for example animal welfare). I like the Charmed Kitty section! Druids Keep - GB, their incense and aromatherapy items are very good but there is more interesting stuff to find. Every Witch Way - GB, they have several things I didn't find in other shops. GaelSong - GB, I love their Circle of Cats candleholder. One day I'll order it. :) Lost Legends - Germany, 3 shops in one: ritual, MiddleAges, Gothic. My BOS comes from this shop. Pagan Magic - GB, great stuff and a lot of info in the online BOS-section. The Goddess and The Green Man - GB, I bought my Earth Pathways Diary 2009 here and more. The Gem Tree - GB, many unique things like their own jewellery designs New Moon Occult Shop - GB, a wide range of products and interesting articles / info Magick Rose - GB, a lot of stuff, very userfriendly website I know there must be many more interesting ones worldwide. Any tips for me? Let me know! It doesn't matter where it's based. ~*~*~*~ The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted Unfortunately the original TT website doesn't exist anymore.That's a pity, but I'll keep on doing TT's and I hope everyone else will. There's a perfect new hub : Thursday-13!

Blessed Imbolc

(to see the message click to open in a new window)

From The Belly of Mother Earth,
may the flame of Light grow strong and brilliant
to enlighten your path and inspire your life!

A Blessed Imbolc to my pagan friends! Blessed Lughnasadh to those in the Southern hemisphere! The above wish I read in a forum post by one of my Italian Ara friends. I think it's beautiful, so I like to pass it on.

I celebrated Imbolc with the Olympia group in Amsterdam. It was a beautiful ritual, but also a great learning experience. Imbolc celebrates the goddess when she is pregnant: the promise of new life, of spring coming. We had a pregnant woman in the circle, which gave an extra special feeling to it.
I cast the circle with my athame. I had found a lovely way to do that online: casting the circle thrice, once for the maiden, once for the mother and once for the crone and their energies. I adapted the words a bit to make it my own.
The altar looked good, with stuff from all of us there. I brought my Millenial Gaia statue, my little cow (milk is an Imbolc theme), a green spring puppet and a yellow table runner.
We did a very nice pathworking from the Pagan Dawn magazine. In it we got a gift with a message. My gift was a wonderful silver spiral. The sacred spiral is an ancient symbol of growth and evolution. It dates back many centuries and has been used by the ancient Celts, Greeks and many other cultures and peoples. As a witchcraft symbol it represents divine energy and the cycle of life, of death and rebirth. When drawn clockwise, it's said to bring things towards you, and when drawn anti-clockwise, it pushes negative energies away from you.
We each brought a cup with cotton wool. We charged the garden cress seed on the altar to awaken the numen (earth energy) and then put them on the cotton wool. While doing that we were thinking of an area in our life that we would like to grow or come into fruition. My seeds are already starting to germinate.
For cake & wine we had fresh juice and delicious bread. We gave thanks and opened the circle. After a chat and a cup of tea we each went our seperate ways.

TT #95: about me

Thirteen random things about me I've been tagged for several random-things-about-me-memes and I decided to do them in the form of a TT. The first one (tagged by Mike) exists of 9 random questions, the other two (tagged by Randilin and Beverly) just ask random facts about me. Have you ever been on TV? Yes, years ago Patrick Stewart (Capt. Picard) was in The Netherlands to promote the first Star Trek The Next Generation DVD-box. I was interviewed with some other Trekkies for a live morning program called “Goedemorgen Nederland” (“Goodmorning Netherlands”). Have you ever sung in public? Not solo, but several times together with others. Have you ever had your hair blond? My hair is darkblond and I have strings of lightblond done, like I had them naturally when I was younger. Have you ever eaten frogs' legs? Yes, but I didn’t especially like it. I prefer chicken. Have you ever received a present that you really hated? Not that I remember. Gifts that weren’t really me, but hated? No. Have you ever walked into a lamp post? I’m sure I have, I’m clumsy enough to do it again. Have you ever cooked a meal by yourself for more than 15 people? Noooooo way! I hate cooking and I never do. Ron is the cook in our household and a very good one too. :) Have you ever fallen or stumbled in front of others? O yes, often. I have fear of failure. I have learned to hide it by acting sure of myself, but before I could do that I was a mess. Still am sometimes. Have you ever done volunteer work? Yes, since my teens. I like doing it. I have worked for a cultural foundation in our city for quite some years. Later I switched to the local Animal Welfare Unit and pet shelter. I still do work for those. In highschool I had a lot of foreign penpals (no e-mail back then): in Lithuania, England, France, USA, Philippines and lots more. The most letters I exchanged with a girl from Denmark called Lene Andersen. She played in a school orchestra which came to The Netherlands one day, so I could meet her. Over the years we lost touch. I met Ron in a drumband. I was a majorette and he drummed. I had just broken up with my fiancé and Ron was fooled by his girlfriend. We took it slow, but the only way was up! That is almost 23 years ago. I have done my driving exam 8 times. I was so nervous I failed the test 7 times. The 8th time was different. I had a nervous breakdown before I stepped into the car, so the driving went okay. I couldn't believe I finally did it! That was in 1991 and I wouldn't want to miss my license! I don't drink alcohol and I don't smoke, but I have several addictions. To name a few: chocolate, books, internet! :) ~*~*~*~ The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted Unfortunately the original TT website doesn't exist anymore.That's a pity, but I'll keep on doing TT's and I hope everyone else will. There's a perfect new hub : Thursday-13!

COT #24: together

CATS ON TUESDAY is a group of cat lovers

who share pictures and/or stories about their cats once a week,
hosted by Gattina.

I finally feel somewhat better. Wow, that was some flu... Completely knocked me out! I slept a lot, in bed and on the couch. When I was downstairs, all cats and dogs were close to me. They especially liked my blankets. :)


I'll just share some pics I made the last few weeks. Freyja, Bastet and Maia can chase, fight, hiss... but in the end they love each other!

Flu

I haven't disappeared... I'm in bed with the flu (lousy bedmate!). Ron has caught it for the fourth time. I escaped three times, but alas... this time he infected me too.
I'll be back a.s.a.p.! :)

TT #94: diet quotes

Thirteen quotes on diet and weight(loss) It's the most talked about subject in January and this time I go with the flow! Yes, I'm trying to lose weight too; aren't I always..? ;-) A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit. If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush. ~Dawn French I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. In eating, a third of the stomach should be filled with food, a third with drink and the rest left empty. ~Talmud The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets. ~Dolly Parton If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution. I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu. ~Jane Wagner Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to. ~Linda Evangelista My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. ~Orson Welles Never eat more than you can lift. ~Miss Piggy In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and cahins. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. ~Stephen Phillips ~*~*~*~ The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted Unfortunately the TT website doesn't exist anymore.That's a pity, but I'll keep on doing TT's and I hope everyone else will. The link to the code doesn't work (comes automatically with Mr. Linky). Leaving your link is extra important now, so please do! update: There's a temporary solution: Thursday-13!

Free Tony!

I've adopted black panther Bagheera at Big Cat Rescue. They do excellent work. I found this appalling case on their website. Please take the time to read and watch this!

Tony the Tiger resides in a truck stop/roadside attraction in Grosse Tete, LA in a concrete cage that is overrun with feces and overwhelmed by fumes from 18-wheelers. Louisiana state wildlife officials have given the owner 30 days to find Tony a new home. Instead of doing that, the owner filed a lawsuit...
Big Cat Rescue, the world's largest accredited sanctuary, is willing to commit to the lifetime care of Tony, providing him clean conditions to live in, proper veterinary care, and an appropriate diet.

Watch the video to see what's happening:


Tony's owner has filed a lawsuit to block the state and local officials from enforcing the "no exotic pets" ordinance. Further, the judge has issued a temporary injunction preventing the removal of Tony until the hearing for a ruling by the Parish which is scheduled for January 20th.

I signed the petition and wrote a letter online to the parish. You can help too! Visit the Free Tony page on the Big Cat Rescue site to see what you can do, preferably before January 20th!

Feel free to take this and post it on your blog or website.

I love autumn

You Belong in Fall

Intelligent, introspective, and quite expressive at times... You appreciate the changes in color, climate, and mood that fall brings Whether you're carving wacky pumpkins or taking long drives, autumn is a favorite time of year for you

What Season Are You?

Look what I won!

Leanne Wildermuth is a very nice person and an amazing artist. I follow her for quite a while already. Every time she shares her work, I'm in awe. She's so talented. On her website you can have a look at her portfolio. She is specialized in lifelike, detailed custom pet portraits in oil, but also makes other beautiful paintings and pictures. I'm a big fan of her artwork. If I had the money, I'd let her make portraits or more of all my pets.

In 2009 she added a new feature to her blog: a weekly graphite portrait giveaway! Each week, one winner receives one 5×7 inch graphite drawing from their photograph. That was a chance I didn't want to miss. I decided to enter with my favourite picture of Foofur and added our story and the story of the picture. I so hoped I would win and I did!! The result is on top of this post. Isn't it great? I think so!

Leanne, thank you very, very much! I love the portrait! You are blessed with a special talent and share it so freely with everyone. You'll make someone very happy every week. Thank you!

TT #93: online pet peeves

Thirteen online pet peeves I like surfing, reading my favourite blogs, browse websites, etc. Sometimes bloggers and/or website designers (amateur AND pro) don't make it very easy to enjoy their work... pop-ups – I have pop-up killers, but still I get them from time to time. Even if the content is appealing I click them away. pop-unders – See pop-ups websites that automatically play music – I play my own music, thank you very much. Please add an immediately visible button to kill it! Or even better, make it an option to play in the first place. too much advertising – I don’t mind ads, my blog has them too. If I have to search through the ads to find the actual content, I give up very quickly though. unreadable text – Too little, unreadable font, colour… If you want me to read your website at least make the text clear! too busy background – It’s a BACKground, people! It shouldn’t get all the attention. If you really want that lively picture on the background, set the text in a box with plain background. page loading too slow because of content – I know you want to show everything you got, but if the loading takes too long I’m off to the next site. dead or wrong links – I hate those! I double-check every link I use and click old links regularly to see if the pages still exist. If you ever find one nevertheless, please let me know! writing in all caps – Especially when used with lots of !!!!!!! You’re screaming! No need to scream online. I won't listen to real-life screaming, so I won't read online screaming. stealing content from others – If you use content from another site, ask permission or at least mention the source. It’s unfair to get credit for something you didn’t create. And it is even more stupid if you copy and paste text without removing the language errors. use of unknown abbreviations – Everybody knows what LOL means, IMHO is fairly well-known too, but otherwise: if you use an abbreviation, explain it at least once after the first time it occurs in your text. back button switched off – I use the back button of my browser quite a lot. Why switching it off? I hate it when websites do that. I know there’s a solution (use the little arrow next to the back button), but still! long text without structure – If something seems to be interesting I’m willing to read a long text but without use of paragraphs, new lines, etc. that’s hard! Make it a bit easier for your audience! ~*~*~*~ The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted Unfortunately the TT website doesn't exist anymore.That's a pity, but I'll keep on doing TT's and I hope everyone else will. The link to the code doesn't work (comes automatically with Mr. Linky). Leaving your link is extra important now, so please do! update: There's a temporary solution: Thursday-13!

Almost two weeks later

Remember the removal of my xanthelasmata? It has been two weeks now. The stitches were removed on December 31st; that was fixed in a minute and didn't hurt a bit. Since then I apply a gel with aloe vera on my eyelid twice a day. It works very good. I have a difficult skin; every little wound or scratch gets infected, no matter what I do to prevent that. Therefore I'm extremely pleased that my eyelid is healing this good!
The only inconvenience is the little muscle in the corner of my eye near my nose. It seems to be more visible and on the surface than before the surgery. If you look closely you can see the difference, but it's not very clear in this picture. It isn't really troubling me, but I'll keep an eye on it!

New Year's Wish

May the dawning of this New Year

fill your heart with new hopes

open up new horizons

and bring for you

promises of brighter tomorrows.

Have a great New Year!!!