It hurts...

I am listening to the songs that were played on mum's cremation. Am I torturing myself? No... I felt tears behind my eyes, but they wouldn't come. Now they are pouring and I'm crying a river...
These are the songs:

• Tears in heaven by Eric Clapton - text here
• Look for me in rainbows by Vicky Brown - text here
• Into the west by Annie Lennox - from LOTR, listen to it here (read the text)

In the church a woman mum admired sang "Ave Maria" (Gounod version) and "Panis Angelicus". A choir version of "Ave Verum" was played on CD. I also selected a few songs that mum wanted; some were also sung at dad's mess.

I also found the text I spoke in the cremation ceremony. It is directly addressed to mum. I spoke to her and didn't see all the people; it was just between mum and I. People told me it moved them to tears. Joke also made a speech. Gerard didn't, it's not his thing. He designed a beautiful thanks-card we sent people afterwards.

Mum's apartment is as good as empty. In "The Pagan Book of Living and Dying" by Starhawk I found two prayers, one for things I'm keeping and one for things that are going away. I used them (in Dutch and in my own words) when I was alone in her flat this week. I'll share them with you:

Beloved mother,
I take this in memory of you.
May something of your spirit remain
so that as I touch this (book, dress, vase)
we will touch across the veil.

Beloved mother,
this was yours once.
Now you have no more need of it.
Withdraw your energy, your spirit, your desire.
I ask your blessing on the one who receives this.

I can certainly recommend the book. I had it already; there are great things in it. It is very interesting stuff in general and very helpful when someone is crossing over.

Thursday Thirteen #1: thankful

Thirteen Things to be Thankful for Today This heat wave will pass (soon I hope). Someone has accepted my mum’s apartment with the wooden floor, so we don’t have to remove it. I’ve bought a lovely new plant today (and got the pot for just € 1). My sister told me she’s sorry for something she said last week and of course I forgave her (I already had). Luv ya, sis! The super market had enough popsicles in stock, so they weren’t sold out at 5 pm. A dear friend is feeling much better than (the day before) yesterday. My ventilators don’t let me down, even though they are on 24 hours a day. I had guests today and we had a good time. I finally had the energy to tidy up the mess upstairs enough to have some more space. I found the missing toilet seat assembly material again. No obligations tonight, so Ron could go to bed early to get a well-deserved rest. Another of my sent PostCrossing postcards arrived at its destination today. I have taken the time to count my blessings today. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. crayonsetc 2. GreekGoddess 3. MysteriousLady 4. e 5. Kailani 6. Nathalie 7. Something's Missing 8. Lazy Daisy 9. Knitting Maniac 10. Carmen 11. Angela 12. Raggedy 13. armywife 14. Minerva Jane 15. Dane Bramage 16. Karen 17. Jennifer Sprague 18. Lyn 19. missi 20. YellowRose 21. Yoshi 22. Zeus 23. Magnolia Mom 24. Janet 25. Christina 26. Lilize 27. Mama Kelly 28. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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You are so beautiful...

I've mailed this video to several people, but I wanted to share it here too!

:-(

I promised an update... Well... I'm okay, but that's all. My mood varies a lot. Yesterday I had a nice day, today I'm down. The weather is still f***ing hot and I can't stand it. Ron's summer holidays are over. I miss mum, I miss dad. Never thought being an orphan would do so much with me, being 37 and all. I feel so alone and empty.

Doing the financial stuff for my mum feels good, although it's difficult. We'll have to contribute quite an amount of money each. Byebye savings...
Clearing out her flat is another story altogether... I can't take it anymore. I'm so different from the rest, attaching emotional value to just about everything. They are trying to show consideration for me, but don't always succeed. We have clashed a few times already, but hushed up. Ron and I felt rushed. Of course we understand everything must be ready before July 31st, but we can only do so much... Ron is taking over for me in mum's house and I feel guilty about that. The work is hard with these temperatures. I know he does it for me, but he's still not feeling okay himself...

*sigh*
*SIGH*

Ganpati full moon

Last saturday Wonder and I had organised a special evening at Ganpati (on the natural beach of Zandvoort). We had invited lots of friends: from the SFGA, the Occult Forum, Children of the Circle, etc. It was a nice and varied group of people. Ron was there too. It was great to introduce him to my pagan friends.

We gathered between 6pm and 7pm to meet, talk, eat and drink something first. Around 8pm we started with a workshop "Introduction into Soundhealing", given by Renate. If you want to know more about it, go to the website of Chris James. She did some voice and breathing exercises with us. At first I had to giggle a lot, but when I seriously took part it was an amazing experience. The time was too short to really get into the healing part, but it was very interesting nevertheless.

By sunset we started a full moon ritual. It wasn't totally full moon yet, but during the ritual the moon rose in a beautiful way. Wonder and I had written the ritual together and led it. We had asked 4 friends for the calling of the quarters. The theme of the ritual was friendship. Everyone had written two wishes on a piece of paper: one for themselves, one for a friend. In a visualisation/meditation we gave the wishes extra power and after that we threw the pieces of paper in the fire to give them to the universe. We thanked Mother Earth by giving back group energy to her, using exercises from the workshop. For the cake and wine we used the cup and dish I got from my mother, so she was with us in a way too.

After the ritual we were talking a bit and tidying up, when the owner of Ganpati came around. Without asking anything he put out the fire by throwing sand on it and told us to leave in a very rude way. All evening he hadn't been very friendly, but this was the limit!! He can learn a lot from his own employees, because they were friendly and nice. It was a bit of an anti-climax. If we ever do something like this again, it won't be at Ganpati for sure!!

Afterwards we got a lot of positive feedback from the participants. It was my first time to lead a group ritual and before I was very nervous. Luckily it all went well and I even got compliments.

To see more pics:
Gaialynn's album - click on "Vollemaansfeest" third row in the middle
Pics from IJs - click on "Vollemaansfeest" in the left column
My pics (if you don't want your pic there, just let me know and I'll remove it)

Hothothot

Ron's summer holidays (two weeks) have started. Pfew... It's very very hot over here. It's almost 2 am and still almost 30 ºC (86 ºF), far too hot to my liking.

Another week gone by. I do things. I sleep. I cry. I kinda live... Everything reminds me of mum.
We are busy settling everything: the financial things, tidy out the cupboards, decide what to keep, etc.etc. It is hard to go through her stuff. Every cupboard, every drawer brings back memories. We all picked out things to keep. I decided to store a lot of things at home, because I just couldn't throw them away. Pictures, clippings, little utensils...

I have found the perfect charity for mum's clothes. She had a lot, but I didn't want to see it back somewhere. In Zutphen there is a selfhelp-foundation for people with an eating disorder, ZieZo. They have a special private house where people with an ed can come and do things, Het Praktijkhuis. In the basement of the house is a second hand clothes shop. Coming Tuesday we'll bring mum's clothes there.

I've put the remaining furniture and other things of value that we don't want ourselves on an auction site. It turned out mum wasn't insured enough to cover the bills, so the profit has to be added to that. The insurance agent hasn't done what he promised us after my dad died: to help mum keep things up-to-date.