Other stuff

The last weeks life was so hectic I only updated my blog about my mum. Thanks again for your interest and support! I'll still be posting about mum of course, but right now I want to share something else.

We are finally settling in living downstairs. In the beginning it felt like we were in a holiday home or something, I can't explain. There are still things that have to be done, but that's okay. Here are pictures to get an impression:

• living room 1 - sitting area with video/audio corner
• living room 2 - sitting area with cabinet
• living room 3 - mantelpiece with old cast iron stove
• living room 4 - dining table & chairs and bookcase
• Ron's bar - still to be decorated more (bit blurry)
• kitchen 1 - Ron preparing dinner, first time in new kitchen
• kitchen 2 - other side of the cooking area

The dogs are already used to the new situation. Boris also stays downstairs at night and he's fine with that. Foofur still comes with us. When the garage door is open, Sidney (the daughter of our neighbours across the street) comes to play or just be with the dogs. Boris and Foofur obviously like her!
Poemel didn't feel at home at all downstairs. She refused to come down and kept escaping upstairs. In the end we decided to let her live there and now she's happy again. I'm with her often, because my computer is still there. I make time to be with her and give some tlc. It's okay.

The Fifa Football World Cup 2006 in Germany kicked off last Friday. I'm not the biggest football fan, but I like to see the matches of the Dutch national team. The Netherlands fall under a spell and turn orange (our national colour). Saturday Ron and another neighbour from across the street "pimped" his white Fiat Panda (almost ready for the scrapyard) into a Dutch WC-car with BMW-emblems. They attracted a great deal of attention and had lots of fun. The result looks magnificent!
The Netherlands won their first groupmatch against Serbia and Montenegro with 1-0. This friday they'll play against Côte d'Ivoire and on June 21st they meet Argentina.

Closer to home

Friday morning the nurse called me to ask if I wanted to come and see my mum. She was very emotional and sad. Also an assistent-doctor had said some things in a very unpleasant way. Perhaps it was his Amsterdam kind of humour, but I wasn't at all humoured when I heard it. The surgeon had calmed my mum down and given the assistent a piece of his mind. It took some time to come to Amsterdam, but mum was glad to see me. The nurse told us, that the doctor had made arrangements to move her to another hospital (in Haarlem, closer to home) . He knew that would make her happy. I could ride along with the ambulance. She is in a 4-person room, but the rooms are much bigger and more pleasant. I helped her to settle down. All in all it had been a very busy and tiring day, so I went home and mum could take a nap.

Yesterday Ron and I visited her in the afternoon. She was a bit gloomy, but I think we talked her out of it. Ron explained again, what the surgeon had said. The situation isn't hopeless. I understand her feelings, but I refuse to give up or let her do that. At the end she felt a bit better. I went downstairs to get us an ice cream. I have given mum my spare mobile phone, so she can call whenever she wants. I have given the number to my sister and brother and my aunt (her sister). In Amsterdam mobile phones weren't allowed but in Haarlem they are.

Today I went to the evening visiting hour. During the day it was very very hot and I can't stand it. This afternoon I had a terrible headache and felt sick. I decided to lie down under the ceiling fan for a while. After a few hours I felt a lot better, so after dinner I drove to Haarlem.
When I arrived the priest from mum's church was there. I had tried to reach him several times and left messages, but hadn't heard anything. It turned out he had a new mobile number, because he is moving to Belgium. He apologized, but I was just glad he showed up. I know mum wanted to see him before he left for his new post. He promised to stay in touch.
Mum told me she had had 2 bleedings today at the end of her chest wound. There was an extravasation that sent off blood to the outside instead of inside. Nothing too serious, it was solved. It showed her why she can't go home yet though. She wants to, but understands she has to recover some more.

Hospital day

Yesterday morning I left for Amsterdam again. When I arrived my mother was on the Special Care Unit. She told me her personal nurse there reminded her of Wonder, so she felt at ease with him at once. We laughed about it. She was very awake and conscious.

We didn't have to wait long before the surgeon came. He told her the bad news without evading, but in a very caring way. As I expected it hit her very hard, it was a huge disappointment. She cried and asked "how long?". But the doc explained that's not the question to ask at all. Okay, this is a major setback, but they don't give (her) up yet! He is going to talk with her cardiologist and lung specialist to see what else can be done. It won't be better, but they can try to hold the situation stable for as long as possible. It is bearable and she can still do things.

There is a ray of hope. When the surgeon had a good look at the heart during the operation he found it to be in better shape than expected. It wasn't that enlarged and the colour was reasonably good. The problems my mum is having seem to be caused mainly by her lungs, so that's where the focus will be at first while monitoring both heart and lungs. Another plus: she is determined to persevere in the non-smoking. We'll do all we can to help her.

All the tubes and other stuff are off, she only has a drip in her arm for medicine and blood samples and sometimes some extra oxygen. She is back in the ward and has a room all to herself. That's what she wanted. While we were moving her there we bumped into Sorcha and Luna, two friends of mine. They had to be in the hospital so they decided to bring mum a little present, an artificial rose with a card. Mum and I both appreciated that very very much! I pinned the rose to the notice board on the wall she looks at, together with a card I sent through the OLVG website.

I have spent the morning and part of the afternoon in the hospital. Ron hadn't seen her yet after the surgery, so we visited together in the evening. I bought her one of the gossip magazines. She really tries to see things positive, I'm so glad she does! Of course she cries from time to time, but I would be worried if she didn't. For the most part she is positive and already wants to go home!
When we returned home a lot of people were calling to hear how mum is. Ron volunteered for telephone service, so I could rest.

Surgery

First of all: thanks for all the support, thoughts, candles, etc. I'd love to thank you all personally, but I can't work up the energy right now. Sorry...

This morning around 11am I got a call from the hospital. Much too early (the surgery would last 4 to 6 hours), so I knew something was wrong. It was the surgeon himself. He told me my mother was brought to the ICU. My first thought was: thank god, she's not dead! The surgery started as planned, but didn't continue the way it should have. When the chest was open the surgeon discovered that the aorta was very severely hardened (calcificated). They knew about the hardening itself, but the seriousness would be unknown until the surgery. It was much worse than they anticipated. Technically it was difficult but possible to do a bypass and the valve replacement, but for my mum that wasn't an option. The risks would be unacceptable, sky high. She wouldn't have survived the operation... The surgeon consulted his colleagues, but they were unanimous. The only wise thing to do was stop the surgery and close her chest again, so that's what they did...

I was devastated, but after some phone calls I screwed up my courage and left for Amsterdam. I wanted to be with her, although it would take more time for her to notice me. After all she had gotten anaesthetics for lengthy open heart surgery. Around 3pm she opened her eyes now and then, saw me, smiled and slept on. After a few hours the artificial respiration was going to be turned off. A tense moment, but fortunately her lungs took over and she was breathing on her own. A ray of hope in sad times...

She was awake and talked a bit, but the surgeon considered her not yet conscious enough to tell the bad news. He'll do that tomorrow morning when I'm there. I can call the nurse around 8am to arrange it. I dread the moment, but I want to be with her when she hears about it. I'm afraid it'll hit her hard...

Please keep thinking of her, burning candles, etc.

Mum

Yesterday was a very long and tiring day. We (Ron, mum and I) spent the day in the hospital. A lot of waiting, tests, questions, information, etc. etc. The staff was very nice though and we were taken care of in a wonderful way. The only problem was, that they didn't have any planning for the day. They knew what had to be done, but had no idea what time.
The surgery will take place this Tuesday, June 6th at 8.30am (CET). Please think of her or light a candle. The hospital priest has given mum the blessing for sick people (I don't know how that's called in English) in presence of Joke and me. She felt a bit better afterwards.
When Joke came to visit (she works nearby) we were still waiting for the surgeon and the anaesthetist. Ron and I went home. The car parking total was € 16 (from 8.30am until 4.30pm)! At home I fell asleep on the couch, exhausted and with a headache. After a few hours I felt a lot better and relaxed. It's okay, I wanted to be there for mum. I promised to take better care and think more of myself after this. :-)
This morning I called the ward to ask how mum's first night had been. I won't do that every day, but mum decided not to have a phone next to her bed. The nurse handed her the ward phone so we could talk for a while. She had slept well and sounded relaxed. Good to hear! Ron and I will visit her tonight. Joke and Leo are going this afternoon. My brother has received the key to his new home yesterday, so he's very busy. He called me this morning and will visit mum tomorrow. I coordinate the visits, so there aren't too many people in the hospital at the same time.
I have been to mum's house earlier to water the plants, take care of the mail, etc. Strange to be there without her present.

The call

This morning the hospital has called my mother. Tomorrow at 9am she must report for admission. I'll go with her and be with her when the doctor and nurses inform her about examinations, surgery etc. Ron will be driving us, because I don't trust myself to be driving yet. I feel better though!

Short update

We are finally living downstairs. Unfortunately I had another blackout last Wednesday. I fell and somehow bumped my head. It turned out to be a concussion. :-( I've been in bed for two days. I feel somewhat better now, but still have headaches and won't be online much.
More later...

Postcard exchange

Two weeks ago I was going through my favourite blogs to keep pace with what's happening. I stumbled upon pictures/scans of postcards from around the world. It turned out to be a worldwide swap of local postcards by bloggers. I offered to take part and sent out cards from IJmuiden, The Netherlands. I already got three in return:

1. St. Louis, Missouri, USA from Mumbo Jumbo
2. Manila, Philippines from Viamarie
3. Melbourne, Australia from Meow

I added the exchange to a new page of my website.

Do you want to exchange postcards with me? Just leave a comment or e-mail me and we'll work it out!

Weekend

Things are finally progressing on the building/moving front. We even set a date to finally go downstairs..! Ron is free on Ascension Day and the day after, so he has a long weekend from Thursday on. On the Saturday we'll be moving downstairs. We'll do our best to get as much ready as possible. The toilet was placed this weekend. Things still to do: living room stove, some painting and whitewash, hallstand, racks for the kitchen cupboards, back entrance hall and lots of little things. So, ambitious plans! We'll see what we can achieve in the short time we have. The online photo album is up-to-date; keep an eye on the last pages to see the progress. :-)

Saturday Ron and I picked up our friend Kitty to go to a linedance evening. Kitty and I have done countrydancing for about 6 years in (IJmuiden and) Heemskerk and our old group organized the party. They hired a live band, Indian Summer. It had been a while, but I've danced as much as possible! ;-) I was sweating heavily and at the end near exhaustion. I had a great time though! Sometimes I just have to do things like this and take the recovery days for granted.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. After I slept until late (Ron was already busy downstairs) we visited mum. We had given her present some time ago: a printed album with pictures of her 70th birthday party. Why wait?
She had gotten a confirmation from the OLVG; she is officially on the waiting list now. They expect the admission to be within two weeks.

Ganpati & SFGA: Indigo

Yesterday Wonder picked me up for the monthly SFGA meeting. We left early because he had to go to Ganpati first. That is a great place on the natural beach in Zandvoort. The ambience is relaxed and friendly. The decor is inspired by the Hindu culture. Wonder is going to work there as a masseur.
We had to walk 15 minutes from the end of the boulevard. The weather was sunny but not too hot. I love to walk along the surf on the beach, sometimes paddling through it (great treat for my feet!).
We talked to the owner and had something to eat. I took grilled salmon, which tasted exquisite. Wonder had satay, also very tasty. Ganpati had a wonderful influence on me: I felt relaxed, stressfree. In a way I didn't want to leave at all! :-)

We were a bit late in Amsterdam, but the rest was waiting for us outdoors. We went inside to listen to our guest Benjamin, who told us about (being one of the) new age children or Indigo-children. Better called Indigo's because there are not just children but also adults. At first I didn't know what to think of the theme, but it was very interesting and I've learned a lot. It's difficult to give a simple definition of Indigo's, but you can read more about it in The Indigo Files. Another website is Indigokind, both in Dutch and English (and German).
It was a very intense and intensive evening; afterwards we needed time to process all of it. I'm very glad I had such a relaxing time before, otherwise it could have been a little too much. It's very interesting stuff and I want to read more about it, but later. I was very tired when I got home.

Tonight I had a wonderful dream. I still remember fragments but when I tried to remember more, I felt there was no need. Not the dream itself was important, but the feeling it gave me. I can recall it right now if I want. It feels something like: relaxed, happy, at peace with myself and the world. That description doesn't do it justice, but it's one of the best feelings I ever had. I see it as a special gift that I can evoke when I need it. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but it's a gift I'll cherish...

OLVG

Yesterday my mother had to do another long function test, this time in the OLVG (hospital where she'll have the surgery) in Amsterdam. I didn't know there was an underground car park, so we went by public transport. My sister accompanied us. We were too early and had to wait. Mum wasn't that nervous before, but the moment we walked into the OLVG she suddenly felt anxious. The last time we were there was for the funeral of her oldest sister; I guess that came over her, along with the nerves for her surgery.
I went inside the test room with her. The test was a bit different than before, and hard. In between tests she got in a coughing fit, but finally the tests were ready. The lung specialist took blood from her pulse to measure the oxygene content. He was very kind and told us his findings straightaway. Thanks to the intake of Prednisone her values were so much better, that he saw no reason not to do the heart surgery. Her lungs are still a risk, but acceptable and treatable. The valve has to be replaced anyhow, so better do it now than later on when the lungs might be worse. She'll hear from the cardiologist next week (probably).
Mum was very relieved and wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible. ;-) It was great weather so we took a walk in the Oosterpark across the street before we went back.

In Loving Memory of a Dear Friend

Today would have been the 39th birthday of Edwin, the husband of my friend Sophie and a dear friend of us. "Would have been" though… He died very suddenly 3 years ago. On his 36th birthday he was in a coma and almost a week later he died. I often think about him and in these days of May even more. I can still recall exactly what happened (*). It felt (feels) so unfair that the young life of such a good person was taken away. I guess he was somehow needed on the other side…

Sophie is doing a great job in raising their wonderful daughter Denice (only 9 months old when he died) as a single mother. She keeps Edwin’s spirit alive for her. He lives on in Denice. She often sees him at night. He sometimes visits me too. He’ll never be forgotten and so it should be!

Their song was played on his funeral: “I Turn To You” by Melanie C. I already thought it was a good song, but after that it has never been the same. It will always have something extra special. Here are the lyrics.

(*) If you want to (re)read what happened in 2003, read my LiveJournal:
May 8 May 9 May 12 May 14 May 15 May 22

Hortus Botanicus

Today I've visited the Hortus Botanicus in Amsterdam with my sister and 2 friends. We planned it some time ago, but it was a great day: the weather was warm and sunny. Although I wanted to go for a long time, I had never been in the Hortus before. It's a beautiful garden on the edge of the hectic center of Amsterdam with herbs, trees, plants, flowers and greenhouses. The collection is very special, outside but also in the greenhouses. I especially liked the three-climate greenhouse (subtropical, tropical and desert-dry). The herbs, trees... I enjoyed it all! We want to go back around August to see other plants flowering.
After the Hortus visit we went to Esoterica for dinner, a 100% organic vegetarian restaurant. Three of us took the specialty of the house: Indonesian rice meal. Very yummy!!!
I've put my pictures in an album at Flickr.

Update website

I've added a page on being a witch to my website. It's not about witchcraft itself (there are enough websites like that), but about my view on things. My beliefs and the way I experience it. It's not finished yet, but I am content for now.

Occult Beltane

This weekend I celebrated Beltane with a group of people from the Occult Forum. Fridaynight Ron had fixed Wonder's car, so I could ride along with Wonder. First we had to pick up some of his stuff. We were 2 hours too early at the location so we decided to drive on to Bad Bentheim, which was nearby (a few kilometres over the German border). We parked the car and walked around the castle. We had tea in a restaurant above one of the entrances. I really want to go back there to see the castle! Afterwards we did some shopping for the barbecue. The shops in The Netherlands had closed early because of Queen's Day.

Around 4pm we arrived at the scouting clubhouse, where the meeting would take place. After we were welcomed we put our stuff in the dormitory and made up our air-bed. When everyone had arrived the barbecue was prepared under a spacious shelter behind the house. Together we enjoyed the food and drinks everybody brought: yummy!! Wonder had already changed in his ritual clothes when I made this picture: the anachronism set me off in a fit of laughter: a man in medieval clothes using his mobile phone and with one foot on a beer crate!
While some were cleaning up the mess, others made a fire in the circle on the property. It was an ideal place for our ritual; Beltane is the fire sabbath! The ritual was beautiful and felt warm and relaxed. I had a crying fit, because I missed Ron; Beltane is all about god and goddess, man and wife... Wonder helped me by creating a comforting space around me with his healing drum.
Afterwards most of the group stayed around the fire and talked about the ritual and all kinds of other stuff. The fire was warm, but the night got colder. Never mind, the solution was close by! ;-)

I didn't sleep very much; towards sunrise I fell asleep. Although I was awake early I stayed in bed until late in the morning. Outside it was a bit cold, but under the duvet it was nice and comfortable. After breakfast we held a conversation in the circle about dreams and dream explanation. Very interesting! Some people had to go home earlier and with the rest we went for a walk in the wood behind the property. Around 4pm it was time to pack up and go. The fire was out, the meeting was over...
I've had a great weekend, exactly what I needed.